Hello, Dolls!! When I took this gig, former Editor Billy Maines gave me only two caveats: That I write as Divine Grace, and that when I write, I complain.
Strap yourselves in and hang on tight: It’s a litany!
It’s been a hot garbage minute since last we spoke, and what a doozy of a time! In just 10 short months, I have kept my (increasingly) fat trap shut about some of the crap that threatened to topple a democracy while the plague combined with a “Karen” haircut have led some pretty random people to act like complete idiots.
In January, an orange goblin tyrant got a few thousand truckstop diners and respective waitresses to put down their greasy spoons and pick up pitchforks. Later, we would Zoom in the swearing in of a Commander-in-Chief who looked like 12 miles of bad dirt road when he started, but now is being genetically-modified for human consumption. I don’t know who his doctor was before he took office, but it looks like it might have been someone with a stethoscope and a grudge. Joe Biden was present at Methuselah’s bar mitzvah, but at least he’s able to descend a ramp without looking like a plotted accident during an episode of “Matlock.” Trump looked like an amputee on a trampoline.
((EDIT)) Joe Biden fell three times on the same ascension to Air Force One.
We FINALLY got through COVID-19, and came out on the other side happy and healthy with a strong economy.
((EDIT)) As of the writing of this column, Orlando, Florida is the epicenter of the planet Earth among new COVID cases, and our governor has decided to turn the state, its elderly and now its children into snot-nosed vats of disease coughing on your Publix shopping cart because you require another chub of hamburger meat for your super-spreader baby-reveal. Please excuse the disinformation.
For everyone else, well, here we are after the lockdown with pants that no longer fit, partners that are sick of us and eight seasons of “Forensics Files” planting ideas in our heads that are making returning “back to normal” with a laundry list of dirty ideas, and a grocery list requiring a small carving knife, a medium tarp and a lot of bleach.
On a happier note, a member of my family is the sweetest miniature schnauzer on the planet, and she continues to bring my family joy.
((EDIT)) As of the release of this publication, Zoe was led into a veterinary clinic and put to death. (In lieu of flowers, her family asks that you send me cash and canned goods.)
Apparently the Olympics happened, and while Tom Daley was sporting a set of abs one could wash the aforementioned crime scene with, nobody watched because we gave up on cable. Here we were spending $100 a month with Spectrum when we could have been spending $300 a month on the additional charges, channels and features with Roku that we only use after a blunt and a beverage. I currently rent Paramount ONLY because Ginger Minj is on the sixth season of “RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars: 6.” Not one single frame have I watched other than that on this new platform.
While I’m bitching, we all know that Ginger Minj is a bona fide star, but at my advanced age (and ironic lack of dexterity considering my stage name) I watched my sister put on a full face of makeup while Gidget Galore and I were just attempting to manage foundation. She’s 100% into her 301 lashes, FULL-FACE and we are still struggling with the Avon we got when Michael Wanzie was insisting on that third shipment of “Skin So Soft” because I apparently attract too many insects.
Now that the weather is “fake news,” I’d like to point out that I used to gripe about a daily monsoon or tornado, but now that the news is littered with stories about how Germany is having the worst flooding in 500 years, my own hometown in the Appalachian Mountains of North Cackalacky is somehow now practically coastal from flooding, Italy is on fire along with WASHINGTON STATE and there’s a rampant virus murdering the planet.
At least my conscience rests comfortably in the knowledge that Bill Cosby is a not a free man, and no longer continuing a legacy of sexual misconduct and adulterous date rape.
((EDIT)) It turns out that Bill Cosby’s lawyer was able to restore his freedom by fashioning fine print into a prison shank. They let him out through the front door, but his career is crawling out in Andy Defresne-style through half a mile of sewage. (Good luck getting that stink out, Dr. Huxtable!)
In spite of all of this sturm and drang, during this period, I saw a lot of our gay venues get to work, our LGBTQ scene is revitalized and experiencing a renaissance. People are finally getting vaccinated. We’re not out of the woods yet but we are hopeful that we are on our way to returning to some semblance of normalcy. Stay safe, keep your chins up and tell somebody you love them today.
((EDIT)) I just screamed at a construction worker for starting at seven o’ clock in the morning.
Welcome back! I’ve missed you all!
Amen,
The Divine Grace
