The other night, I had sex with my boyfriend’s ex…
All three of us were on a cruise together. I was unpacking, hanging our clothes in the narrow closet of our stateroom. John was sitting on the couch reviewing the cruise Compass.
“I don’t have anything to wear to dinner,” a familiar voice echoed from the shower.
“Sweetie,” I replied, bringing a shirt into the bathroom, “I packed the new shirts I bought you.”
“Oh.” The silhouette slid open the shower door. It was Tom; John’s ex.
“You’re so good to me,” he said, pulling me towards him, unbuttoning my shirt. He cupped my face in his hands and we kissed. He slid my shirt off and unbuttoned my pants. Once I was undressed, he pulled me into the shower and we made love…
Okay, so it was a dream, but still wrong on so many levels.
…
“Eww,” John retorted when I recalled the dream to him the next morning.
“I know. Even in my dream, I kept asking myself, ‘what in the hell is going on here?’”
“You know, sex dreams are never actually about sex. It usually means you want something.”
“I know that. But why would I dream about being in a three-way relationship with you and your ex?”
“Maybe, deep down you want to be his friend because he was with me for 13 years and you think he may know some things about me that you don’t.”
Could that be it? Or was it more than that? Even though it had been almost three years since they broke up, Tom seemed to be a big part of John and my relationship. I guess you could call them acquaintances, but Tom seemed to be still emotionally attached. He would call John for favors, ask his opinion on things and still keeps belongings of John’s.
In my opinion, dreaming about being intimate with him stems from the fact that yes, I do want to be closer, but maybe because I don’t trust him. Deep down, I feel he’s not-so secretly plotting our demise.
Since my experience with my ex-friend Matt, I had become acutely aware of what a frenemy was. Do we celebrate one another’s relationships? Or do we look at long term gay relationships with suspicion?
If that wasn’t bad enough, John recently discovered Facebook and quickly realized the powers it held. In a matter of a few hours, he had “Friend Finder”-ed all of his past conquests, including Tom.
Erik Fact: Unless used properly, Facebook can be hazardous to your relationship.
“Why do you need to be friends with all of your exes?” I asked.
“They’re not really “friends,” John explained. “They’re more like acquaintances. Besides, I haven’t talked to them in years. “
“So, then why do you have to keep up with them now?”
I thought it was a valid question but it turned into an argument. John felt I was being “ridiculous and jealous.” A lethal combination. Ridiculous? Maybe. Jealous? No. Cautious? Yes! Most people who befriend exes end up reminiscing about only the good times and forgetting THERE’S A REASON THEY’RE AN EX!
I decided to let it go and not stress until there was reason to. After all, most of his formers lived in other states.
As weeks passed, I noticed a recurring name come up in conversations between John and me, on his “Wall posts,” and numerous calls a day made to a number I didn’t recognize on our mutual phone bill.
When I asked him about it, he assured me that it was just an old “fuck buddy”/co-worker from Disney, whom he hadn’t seen in 20 years. Is that all? That made me feel so much better. The reason they phoned so much was because Danny lived in North Carolina and they had a lot to catch up on. He was actually going to be coming into town for a pseudo Disney reunion.
“I’d love for you to meet him,” John stated. “I’ve told him all about you and he is excited to meet you.”
I’m sure.
The following week, Danny arrived in town. On his first night, John called me from work to inform me that he wouldn’t be coming home until late as he was meeting Danny and another friend. I figured they were just going to be chattering about Disney and the olden days.
When John wasn’t home by 11, I texted him. After about twenty minutes, he responded, apologizing and that he and Danny were in his hotel room drinking. Alcohol, a bed and old fling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for honesty and I trusted John but sometimes I don’t need to know all the details. They can really make your mind wander. With a cold looming, I decided to head off to bed and drown my imagination in a NyQuil haze…
