Everyone needs help from time to time. It can be very challenging to navigate the world completely on your own.
The most common people from whom we get help are our family members, who are supposed to be there for you no matter what. Unfortunately, some of us do not have the luxury of relying on our blood family when we need help unexpectedly.
There can be a number of reasons for this, but for queer people specifically, it is often due to being rejected by your blood family due to your identity. This type of rejection is sad and discouraging, but still common for a lot of people.
Fortunately for us, queer people have embraced the concept of chosen family. Chosen families are individuals you meet along the way who become your core support group not because of blood, but because of mutual affinity, interests and life experiences.
While you certainly don’t have to be queer to be part of a chosen family, it is a very common occurrence with queer people. In some cases, it is due to the unfortunate rejection from blood family, but in other cases it is just because of the unique type of help and support you can receive from fellow queer people.
You see, you can be part of a supportive blood family but still also be part of a chosen queer family; they are not mutually exclusive. I reach out to my chosen family most often when I need help navigating the world as a queer nun (or a queer man, depending on the day).
As well-intentioned as my blood family might be, they don’t know what it’s like to experience homophobia in professional or social settings. They don’t know what it’s like to build and maintain a successful queer romantic relationship in a world with few public examples, all while being under constant attack from political groups who wish our relationships didn’t exist at all.
Your chosen family can give you advice on how to successfully confront homophobia while keeping your head high, based on their own experiences. They can share with you the pros and cons of the many different types of queer relationships that we see, the impact of gender identity on a relationship, or at the very least they can commiserate with you and validate your feelings. This is why I would argue that it is smart to include people who might be a little older than you in your chosen family.
Older queer individuals are a valuable source of wisdom, history, trajectory and advice for younger people who are still figuring out the first steps in their journey. We can learn from their mistakes and their successes, but only if we give them the space to speak and be heard.
As we grow older the type of support we need might also start to look different, like needing help to purchase and carry groceries, or needing help making it to a medical appointment. A diverse chosen family can be beneficial and fulfilling for all involved.
I think the concept of a chosen family fits so well into our queer life experience because there are so many precedents fromwhich to build. In the ballroom culture of the 80s and 90s, heavily implemented by queer and trans people of color, family houses formed to compete as a chosen family in the different categories at the extravagant balls that were held. These houses ended up becoming the real family of their members, often because it was the only family they had after being rejected by their blood family.
Houses would often have a Mother figure or a Father figure who would mentor the house members not only on how to perform at the balls, but on how to survive and thrive in a world that was inhospitable to people like them. These houses can be credited for literally saving the lives of countless queer individuals through the love of chosen family.
From there, the concept evolved to include drag family houses, groups of drag performers who still support each other in many ways but whose focus was mainly on succeeding in the art and business of drag. We often hear drag artists say “this is my drag mother” or “let me introduce you to my drag sister,” intentional terminology representing the closeness and genuine support that people in the same drag family give each other.
Even in the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, each regional group is considered a House. Each Sister has a mentor called a Sister-Mother and we all consider ourselves part of the same chosen family.
The good news is that you don’t have to be a ballroom performer or a drag artist to be part of your very own chosen family. You can start your own, and you are free to call it a house, a family, both or something else entirely.
What matters is that you open your mind and your heart to seek people out with similar interests and challenges so that you can uplift each other. It is important to always remember that if you expect to receive help, you should also be ready to provide help when needed. That way, when an emergency occurs, you know who to call: your chosen family, of course!
Sister Juana Reaction is an educator by both vocation and training. As a fully professed member of the Tampa Bay Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, she spreads joy at local queer events and helps with fundraising for many local charities.
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