The holidays are upon us! Regardless of your belief system or lack thereof, it should be a time for joy, laughter and reconnecting with family, whether it is birth family or chosen family.
However, in practice, sometimes family gatherings can actually be a source of stress and discomfort. I would like to share with you some advice on how to navigate holiday family gatherings without giving in to unnecessary arguments or bitterness.
Now, I am not talking about interactions with family members who are homophobic, transphobic or racist. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life and if they insist on their terrible views, you have the right to step away and not interact with them at all to protect your mental health and wellbeing.
Instead, I am talking about family members with whom you usually get along, people who you love and who have shown you with their actions that they love you back. Even when there is plenty of love to go around, lively and busy holiday gatherings can lead to unexpected conflicts and hurt feelings.
I saw this last month at my own Thanksgiving celebration with part of my birth family. We are a large family with a lot of cousins; we were all raised together as kids, spending a lot of time together on weekends and holidays.
I have two particular cousins who are sisters two years apart, let’s call them Rosa and Amelia. Rosa is the older sister and is a little more serious and she likes things to be structured and organized; nonetheless, she can be a lot of fun when things are properly planned. Amelia, the younger one, is a little more lighthearted, spontaneous and carefree.
As the day goes by, we enjoy the Thanksgiving feast, we sing and dance to Latin music, we watch over the nieces and nephews, and we talk and catch up. Inevitably, old inside jokes resurface, funny stories from years ago get retold, and before you know it, Rosa and Amelia are arguing in the living room.
They are in control and not violent at all, but they are clearly upset with each other. I go and check what’s going on, and it is an argument that I have seen them have a dozen times before. Essentially, Rosa complains that Amelia’s jokes go too far and that they are hurtful. Amelia complains that Rosa is taking things too literally and that Rosa should know by now that Amelia is just joking around.
I listen to them, I clumsily try my best to facilitate a truce, they both lighten up a little and the festivities continue, albeit with a little reservation from both of them. Even though the rest of the day went fine, I thought about that argument for days. I wished that, at that moment, I had found the precise words to communicate to them why I thought the argument was unnecessary, the precise words to help them move on and fully enjoy the rest of that family day.
After thinking about it, here is what I wish I told Rosa at that moment:
“You know that Amelia loves you and that she wants the best for you even if she’s always joking around. If there is a specific, sensitive topic that you wish were never joked about, tell her in a serious and sincere manner and I’m sure she will oblige. She does not intend to hurt your feelings, she has shown you in many ways that she cares about you. Please give Amelia the benefit of the doubt, do not assume that her intention is to hurt you on purpose when she’s being a jokester, that is just how Amelia navigates life. Try and meet her where she is and assume the best intentions from her, not the worst.”
And this is what I wish I told Amelia at that moment:
“You know that Rosa loves you and has always been there for you whenever you have needed help. You know that she can be a little sensitive so it would be nice if you could be more careful with the things you joke around with her. Please have empathy towards her; you don’t have to change who you are or how you talk but you can be more considerate of her to avoid unnecessary provocations.”
Now you, my dear reader, maybe you are more like Rosa, maybe you are more like Amelia or maybe you are somewhere in between. Regardless, if you love your family and want to have a nice time with them, I encourage you to focus on the positive. Focus on what unites you instead of what divides you.
Try to give your family the benefit of the doubt if a joke or a comment sounds a little off; communicate your feelings while assuming the best from them, not the worst. If you know somebody is sensitive about a specific topic, be kind and avoid upsetting somebody you love unnecessarily. And if someone’s feelings get hurt inadvertently, be quick to apologize with sincerity.
I hope you share a joyous and wonderful time with your family during this holiday season. Whether it is a family of two or a family of 100, I hope you realize how lucky you are to have a family with whom to celebrate. Happy holidays!
Sister Juana Reaction is an educator by both vocation and training. As a fully professed member of the Tampa Bay Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, she spreads joy at local queer events and helps with fundraising for many local charities.
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