Here we are, once again, at the “most wonderful time of the year,” and I find myself wondering, is that a bit of false advertising?
I am pretty sure we didn’t sign up for most of what we must endure from now until we’re ready to shout, “Happy New Year!” Why do we work so hard to convince ourselves that this season is filled with nothing but wonder and joy? Honestly, the expectation of non-stop happiness adds to the stress.
Let’s take a moment to consider what we must do to make it through all the conversations, commitments and carbohydrates we must contend with between now and 2026. As you navigate this season, remember that the stress you feel is not an indication of your own personal flaws. Instead, this is a normal reaction to the expectation that you place yourself in situations where you cannot be fully seen for who you are.
We are now well into the holiday season, so most of us are finding ourselves in social situations outside our comfort zone. You may be the outlier and totally thrive in that space. Small talk, tactfully dodging political conversations and discussing the weather with near strangers might be your forte. If you are fantastic at that, please offer a TED talk on how to survive these scenes, because the rest of us are miserable over here.
As someone who can be socially awkward and introverted, my best advice on surviving this season is knowing when to endure and when to opt-out of a commitment.
Yes, I am saying that even if you believed you could totally handle attending some event, party or religious service, it’s okay to change your mind. If being there will damage your spirit, don’t go!
Even if you already said you would be there and already bought gifts for folks, you don’t have to show up. If you are stewing over the Instagram post some family member shared about “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” you owe them nothing, especially not your presence.
The reality is that, for most of us, attending holiday gatherings means being in spaces where we do not feel entirely welcome and cannot wholly be ourselves. If you can be in that space without it damaging your spirit or making you doubt your self-worth, then consider going. If you are invited to gatherings with family or friends that you find enjoyable, definitely go. But if you feel obligated to show up at some holiday function and you know that being there will make you feel devalued or harmed in any way, please don’t go.
I know it is hard for some of us to decline an invitation, especially during the holidays. Anecdotal evidence, gleaned from decades as an activist and in religious leadership in the LGBTQ+ community, has shown me that many people in our community tend toward being accommodating people-pleasers, especially those of us who are Generation X and older. We have spent so much of our lives trying to figure out how to fit in that we lost a bit of ourselves.
We learned to accommodate, to avoid topics, to put other people’s comfort above our own. If this sounds familiar to you, then let me officially give you permission to shift your mindset and establish new boundaries. If you have a holiday commitment on the horizon that weighs on your heart and fills your stomach with dread, what would it take you to free yourself from it?
Of course, sometimes we simply cannot decline an invitation. But it still does not have to be a disaster. You just need a strategy.
Before stepping into an awkward situation, think through your responses to predictable scenarios. Think of tactful ways to change the subject and avoid intrusive questions.
If you are going into religious spaces, develop a care plan for yourself to navigate any religious trauma you might be carrying. Decide what parts of yourself you are willing to mask, to keep the peace.
Also, decide your non-negotiables, what are the things you refuse to hide about yourself? What will you refuse to tolerate? You don’t have to show up as anything less than the person you are. Do not let anyone convince you that you are too much!
Every year, I provide spiritual and emotional care to folks who find the holidays incredibly hard. There are many reasons for this. There are some aspects that we can’t control, such as the grief we feel as we miss loved ones who are no longer with us. But other elements are within our control. I encourage you to let this be the holiday season where you shift your experience.
2025 has been challenging for many of us. What can you do now to offer yourself some kindness as the year ends? Where can you carve out some time for self-care? How can you prioritize your own mental, spiritual, and emotional health today?
Remember your value. Surround yourself with the people who truly see you, the people who trust you, know you, and understand you. We owe it to ourselves to take gentle care of each other during this season. Let’s not get lost in the chaos, the busyness and the extra obligations of this time of year.
Rev. Jakob Hero-Shaw is the senior pastor of the Metropolitan Community Church of Tampa, MCCTampa.com. He is a proud husband and father in a family that was legalized through marriage equality and adoption.
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