Each March, Lynn and Pat Mulder prepare themselves for an anniversary no parent wants to recognize. It was March 14, 2007″just over five years ago”that their son, Ryan Keith Skipper, was stabbed nearly 20 times and his body dumped on the side of the road. He was killed simply because he was gay.
“It gets easier with time, but the anniversary is a very difficult time for us, even five years out,” said Lynn, Ryan's father.
The two men responsible for Ryan's death are serving live-long prison sentences after both were found guilty in 2009. Since then, both Mulders”and their other son, Damien Skipper”have been active in pressing lawmakers to pass protections for the LGBT community. The family is happy that the two men responsible for the death of Ryan will live the rest of their lives behind bars, but that doesn't make the loss any easier.
“I don't believe there is closure,” says Pat Mulder. “I know that it's a word we use because there is no other word better to use. But I think I don't ever want closure where Ryan is concerned. I want his memory to stay alive and closure isn't what I want. I wanted fairness, and I feel that's what we got with their sentencing.”
For Ryan's big brother, the anniversary has a larger impact on him with each anniversary and reminds him of the brother and best friend with whom he can no longer share life's big moments.
“You have to make it easier by continuing to tell Ryan's story and the life that he lived,” Damien says. “It gets easier to share his story with so many people and we all try to do that.”
Accidental activists
Before the murder of Ryan Skipper, the family had never been involved in activism of any kind. Since Ryan was out to his family, they were aware of the LGBT community, but they had never actively worked for change.
“Joe Saunders of Equality Florida coined the phrase “accidental activists' for us,” Lynn laughed. “Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be so active.”
Pat admits that she still gets nervous when she speaks in crowds, or especially to lawmakers. But she's getting more confident with each visit to Tallahassee.
“I'm less nervous than I was at one time,” she said. “I don't think you can talk to enough people to make them understand how important equality is. I've gotten stronger and it's sort of a huge growth spurt for me.”
When Equality Florida Executive Director Nadine Smith first met the Mulders it was immediately after Ryan's murder. The LGBT advocacy organization was helping the family cope while putting a spotlight on the Polk County murder.
“The murder was senseless,” Smith said. “But I've been amazed at how his family has resisted bitterness and stayed dedicated to speaking out. They have offered themselves up every single time we've asked.”
Barely a year after Ryan was killed, the Mulders found themselves on the road to a Fort Lauderdale symposium to offer support to the mother of Simmie Williams, a 17-year-old transgender woman who was shot and killed. Smith remembers the embrace the two women shared upon meeting.
“It was an amazing moment that is indescribable,” Smith said. “When Denise King [Williams' mother] looked into the eyes of Lynn Mulder, there was an instant connection. When they hugged it was like the rest of the room disappeared.”
Lynn remembers that meeting”and many others just like it. It's something she treasures, but also something she wants to end.
“I truly mean it when I say I wish there was never another parent who had to feel like that,” Lynn said. “It totally destroys your heart. Just to see them in that initial agonizing pain is so difficult, I just wish there was some way I could hold all of them. I wish that we could carry that pain for them, just for awhile.”
Since Ryan's murder in 2007, the State of Florida and the country have seen significant changes in LGBT equality: in 2008, Florida passed its anti-bullying law and in 2009 President Obama signed the Mathew Shepard Hate Crimes Act. Eight states now recognize same-sex marriages and in 2010, Florida finally ended its ban on gays and lesbians adopting children.
“We were able to lobby with Equality Florida for the anti-bullying law,” Lynn said. “Some of the officers were more receptive than others and we got to speak with the Attorney General's staff members about hate crimes. I was so surprised when it passed. I'd like to think we had some influence. It was an honor to go with Equality Florida”there is no way Pat and I could have done that on our own.”
Pat is amazed at how quickly change has come”even though she realizes there is a long journey ahead to reach full equality for the LGBT community.
“Since Ryan's death, I never thought I'd see adoption be available to gays and lesbians in Florida,” she said. “We have really made some amazing steps in the last five years. Can you imagine what the next five years will bring?”
Hopefully it will bring a lot more change, Lynn said, who is more acutely aware of discriminatory practices than he's ever been.
“In my everyday day-to-day straight life, I have a much greater appreciation for the insensitivity for how much inequality is in our civilization,” Lynn said.
Lynn said that recently he had to present a marriage license when he renewed his insurance benefits and wanted to continue covering his wife.
“There was this thing on there about how a same-sex couple couldn't be covered because of the laws in Florida,” Lynn said. “That hit me personally. It made me angry. This would have been denied to Ryan. Ryan would have deserved to marry the person he would have loved.”
Ryan Moments
Since that awful day in 2007, the Mulders and Damien Skipper have made it their mission to share Ryan's story. Finding the strength to do so can be trying at times, especially when a situation strikes close to home. But Ryan, who would have been 30 years old now, still gives them strength.
“It's amazing the opportunities that open themselves up when you least expect it,” Pat said. “I was in an antique store one time and had the opportunity to speak with two gentlemen who were having a difficult time with the city in which they lived. They weren't receiving equal opportunities. For some reason, I found myself eavesdropping and thought, “How can I get into this conversation?'”
Soon Lynn found herself talking about equality legislation, Ryan's death and the activist role she and her family had undertaken. It wasn't until after she left the store that she'd realized she experienced what she calls a “Ryan Moment.”
“I got home and told Lynn, “Ryan made me go into an antique store today, and you won't believe what I got into!'” Pat laughed. “You never know when I'm going to find them, but it's interesting how many different times folks give me an opportunity to talk with them. Those are all Ryan Moments”I can't imagine any other reason for those opportunities.”
While most memories of Ryan are pleasant ones and the act of sharing his story keeps his memory alive, the pain of his death is still as fresh as it was in March 2007.
“It's interesting how a memory of Ryan will blindside you and cause a tear to roll. That day”that week”your thoughts tend to gravitate to what happened. I think that this year, while I grieved, I was also in awe of things that have transpired since his death and how Ryan still has a hand in things in this world.”
Moving forward
The world has changed since Ryan's passing”not only on the political landscape, but for the family and friends he left behind.
Damien lives in San Diego, Calif., and is married with two young children”a 20-month-old boy, Maxwell, and a seven-month-baby girl named Ryan.
“It was difficult thinking about having Ryan's name with someone else,” Pat said. “But when little Ryan came along, it was okay.”
Damien and his wife plan to let both of their children know about their Uncle Ryan and plan to tell baby Ryan about her namesake when she's older. Just how detailed they'll get about the death of Damien's brother is still to be seen.
“It's a birds-and-bees-type conversation,” Damien said. “I think when they're six or seven we can explain the pictures of my brother or talk about the tattoo on my arm with his initials. I think the conversation about how he died will happen sometime in their early teens, maybe.”
Pat and Lynn think the conversation will be easier than Damien expects.
“I see us telling her every day when we get a chance, “Your name is the same as Uncle Ryan's. He was special and you're special too,'” Pat said. “As she grows she'll find out how special it is to be named after Ryan, and I see it being a really good thing. She will be happy to know she's named after her uncle, and when I learned that was going to be her name I was so tickled.”
All of Ryan's surviving relatives remain active in LGBT causes. Pat and Lynn Mulder continue to speak to lawmakers and support the parents of other children lost to hate crimes. Damien is involved in Equality California and discusses LGBT equality with coworkers and friends whenever he gets a chance.
It will always be about opening doors to others by sharing Ryan's story.
“I've always said all along that he should never be in vain and that he gave up his life,” Pat said. “I know I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen. I know that in the gay community that's not a problem”you're fighting for your life. But I would love for people who are not advocates for human rights to step up because you have to speak up and do something when you see that it's wrong.
“And that, right there, was a Ryan Moment.”
