When I was in the 8th grade, Love Is was a famous and often quoted comic strip in newspaper circulations. “Kim Casali created Love Is… back in the late 1960s when she drew the little pictures as love notes for her husband-to-be, Roberto,” reveals Tribune Media Services, which hosts the long-running cartoon feature at ComicsPage.com. Her illustrations were then revealed to the rest of the world when they were first syndicated in 1970.
Most of our notes and gifts to the one we love do not supplement our income, become public or famous. Of course, the author did not create these love notes as a means of fame or fortune; that was a byproduct that rose out of her love for her beloved. The art in this comic strip defines the contexts and has a predominately heterosexual following, but that has never stopped our community from claiming our place at the table.
So take a moment and finish this phrase: “Love Is…” What does love look like, feel like, act like, smell like, etc.? What does it do to us and how do we harness these emotions to live beyond the early stages of love that seem to render us helpless? Most people who find themselves growing in attraction for another human being begin changing their patterns of life to make room for this new relationship.
Phone calls may be hours instead of minutes, sleep requirements may change, eating patterns may alter, and then there are the cards. Ever notice that the number of cards given in the first two years of a relationship are oftentimes much higher than in the years to follow? What is it about love that stimulates us emotionally and physically and why does ths change over time?
We live in a time when ending relationships is common place. The national divorce rate in heterosexual relationships is a little over 50%. In the LGTBQ communities it is much harder to document our covenants because there is not a tracking system parallel to the state’s marriage and divorce departments. And commitment ceremonies are just one of many ways that people mark their relationships. Do we really need a tracking system to know our community moves through relationships in similar fashion? What are the characteristics necessary to sustain love, passion and intimacy as two people grow into lifetime dreams together?
This is a question I often ask couples as they prepare to exchange vows in a commitment ceremony. The responses vary, but usually include answers like respect, integrity, honesty, communication, trust, and loyalty. It is the exception—not the rule—that this question had been the source of conversation prior to our meeting. Then I ask, “What situations or behaviors would disrupt or cause you to want to end this relationship?” This question introduces an uncomfortable tension in the conversation and usually holds a period of silence before each person responds. The answers are somewhat predictable—infidelity, lies, stealing, dishonesty and controlling behaviors are usually at the top of the list. I ask this question knowing that they may be anesthetized by the side effects of their love for each other and cannot imagine their beloved committing any of the violations that would cause an end this relationship.
I do not want to down play the seriousness of these violations, but they are the obvious reasons for divorce, but certainly not the only ones. These are the extreme behaviors that make ending a relationship a bit easier, but what about the characteristics listed above? What about those idiosyncrasies that can serve as extreme irritants? Long-term relationships require constant attention and hard work. It is not enough to say respect and integrity are important characteristics in a lifetime of loving and then not spend some time defining what that means for each person in the relationship. Most couples will say communication is an important characteristic and yet these two questions are uncharted territory in the landscape of their dreams for the future.
These characteristics of love are not limited to intimate relationships. They are the fabric of our loving and growing together—albeit lovers or friendships. Most people are not disappointed by what is asked and not received, but by what is expected and not spoken. We often times offer what we hope to receive and then are disappointed when we don’t get it back. Why are relationships so complicated? We are a matrix of DNA, societal and familial systems, and individual characteristic yielding a complex human being.
None of us are the same. Yet somehow we have fallen into the trap of thinking that the expression and emotion of love is enough to sustain a lifetime of loving without clarifying for each of us what that means. Love is just not enough for a lifetime of loving. It is merely the by-product of defining and living into those characteristics that we then weave into the fabric of our relationships.
As you continue your path of life and love, take a few moments and think about what you require to sustain the love you share with others and ask of them the same thing. In communicating these values you will be laying the foundation of a shared understanding of love and thereby removing at least some of the assumed and unspoken expectations that if unmet may impact what is possible.
