Dear Truth,
I know you write for a gay newspaper, but I don’t know where else to get advice on this topic. I’m a straight guy who’s been dating a really hot, wonderful straight woman, Allison, for about four years. We have great chemistry and I am crazy about her. The problem is that Allison hangs around gay men all the time, almost exclusively. We usually go to gay bars and clubs when we go out, and she talks with her “gay boys” every day. When I can convince her to hang out with my friends (mostly straight couples), she pouts and spends the evening talking about her gay friends and how much more fun she has with them. Don’t get me wrong: I’m totally comfortable hanging around with gay dudes. It’s just that I also like watching sports with my boys and getting wild at a club filled with real women from time to time. But it’s like pulling teeth to get Allison to go and she’s usually moody as hell unless she finds a gay clique to hang with. Help me Truth! How do I get my woman back from the gays?
—Fag Hag Widower
Dear FHW,
A little fag haggery never killed anyone, but what you describe is dramatically over the top. I have the sense that if she was hanging out only with her girlfriends and demonstrating similar selfishness, you might have the same issue, as you should. That she grouses about not being in the company of gay men is childish and, frankly, a little weird. I am all for the hags; they keep the wheels moving. (And as an aside, can we as a community find a more flattering moniker for our straight girl platonic lovers?)
There is clearly a component to her proclamations in straight public about her love for love that dare not speak its name that is an attempt to show how cool and accepting she is, and God love her for that. But her over-attachment to all things gay tells me she’s been hurt in past relationships and has retreated to the soft place to land that hagdom represents. That’s understandable and common, but problematic.
Here comes the (unpleasant) Truth, baby: I smell trouble. Whether her primary constituency is gay men or aardvarks, the fact that she pouts out of the presence of her core audience spells immaturity and insecurity. Her reticence to get out of non-gay environs is garden-variety selfishness and insularity. I don’t know how deep your relationship goes, but gay men aren’t your problem. Her intractability and rigidity are. You’re not being a homophobe to want to live in your own world. I’d talk to her about it, but I honestly don’t like your chances. Any other dating prospects?
Dear Truth,
I’ve been reading your column forever, and you always seem to tell it like it is. My problem is simple: My girlfriend is a slob.
She and I have been together for nearly 10 years, and over that time I’ve learned to adapt to her apparent inability to clean up anything around our house (or any other place she can land her things). I don’t think of myself as a neat freak, but I like some semblance of organization in the house. Is it too much to ask that the laundry make it to the washing machine within a month of being worn, and clean laundry make it to the closet, folded, rather than piled on any bed, floor, or other flat surface?
I can’t remember the last time she worked in the kitchen, except for when she stocked the camper and coolers for a road trip (after which I, of course, ended up cleaning the mess). I know she’s a free spirit and I love that about her, but I’m exhausted from always being the one who picks up the never-ending mess. And I’m just plain tired of asking and demanding that she help keep things clean and organized—it just doesn’t work.
Any suggestions?
—Trashed in Tampa
Dear T. I. T.,
More of the same, really. Immaturity and intractability. As a thoughtful and evolved person, I’m sure you’ve spoken to her about these issues. (If not, my response ends here and I recommend you waste no time in having that conversation.) There really is no easy way to change someone. And despite inevitable protestations to the contrary, people change for themselves, not other people, even loved ones.
You might get a couple of weeks of more neatnik-ism, but soon enough, she’ll slide right back into Pig Pen Land. My guess is that she’s always been a slob and being in a positive relationship has had no impact on her habits. The only reasonable response is for you to hire outside help to keep your house in order, without unnecessarily burdening you with the bulk (entirety?) of the housework. And furthermore, I think she should pay for it.
Her slobbery is in all likelihood not news to her but you need to let her know that it’s affecting your relationship. Until you speak to her in tones round and firm about this, nothing will change. And know this: It’s not as inconsequential as it seems. It speaks to teamwork and partnership. Here comes the Truth, baby: She needs to either step up, or write a check. It’s that simple.
