Dear Truth,
I live in rural Maine and I read your column online. I am 29 years old and I have been single for a little over three years. I don’t go out much because there aren’t any single gay guys near me. Plus, I think the way gay men sleep around is gross. So I have been using the internet to try to find “the perfect guy.” And I do meet all these really great guys online, but they always live far away. We use chat and travel to each other’s homes to get to know each other really well (and sometimes even fall in love), and the guy always says he will move to be with me, but he never does. Why does this keep happening to me? I don’t think I can deal with another guy breaking my heart like this. What should I do?
Long Distance Loner
Dear LDL—
Your problem is one of expectation. Expectations are good things to have; they help us to strive for the things we really want. However, you say they “always say (they) will move to be with me” and then don’t. Not for nothing, but why would you expect someone to move to rural Maine where there is, by your own admission, little gay life, not very many quality jobs, and represents a lifestyle that might appeal to you, but is not “traditional” for most gay men. It seems you want the other person to make all the sacrifices and yet, you’re not willing to make a basic one: change your locale to increase your chances for love and romance.
It is unfortunate that people have promised to move to you and then reneged. That’s not a mature approach. But it’s a big ask for someone from, let’s say Atlanta, to move to rural Maine just to be with you. Here comes the Truth, baby: some middle ground—both physical and spiritual—must be struck. If you’re serious about meeting a quality man and settling down, you might have to challenge your notions about the best place to do that. You also need to dial back on the expectation. Oh, and by the way, all these great ‘online’ guys may or may not be so great in person, or at least as committed to what they say they want, so beware.
Dear Truth,
My mom and I are really close. Since I came out, she has completely accepted my sexuality and never fails to tell me how proud I make her. The problem is that she frequently makes comments about me in front of my friends (and hers!) that I am less “gay” than other guys because I am the “man” in my relationships. The implication is that I am more respectable than “girly” men because I am a top (I’m actually versatile). I know it’s unintentional and harmless, but I feel like she’s disrespecting me and my friends when she boasts about my alleged “masculine superiority.” How do I fix this?
—Mama’s Butch Boy
Dear Sylvester Stallone,
Finally! An easy one. So Mom sounds great and lucky you. She’s already swallowed the biggest pill with a spoonful of sugar. She’s even proud of you. That she is attempting to differentiate you from your brothers’ does smack of some backdoor homophobia, however, and that needs to be corrected.
The good news is she sounds teachable. So when the subject comes up again, remind her that there are gay men of all types and personalities and that by her constantly pointing out your relative masculinity compared to other gay men, she’s insulting people you love, care about and respect. As a proud gay man, tell her that you never try to present yourself as anything other than exactly what you are, and that they are doing the same thing in their own way. To act like her son is somehow superior because he comes off ‘less gay’ is insulting, I agree.
It’s like telling someone that they’re okay because they don’t ‘look Jewish’ or by telling describing an African-American person as “very articulate” as if that’s not the norm. By you embracing and presenting friends of all types to your mother (a couple of fellow butch boys might help, just so she sees you’re not a unicorn in a field of horses), she will come around. She’s already three-fourths of the way around the track. She just needs a little nudge to bring it on home.
