My girlfriend, Lily, is from Iowa. I guess they grow them red, white and blue up there because everything has political significance for her. I truly admire her. I wish the planet was inhabited by more people like her. But I’m only about half as conscientious, and the difference is getting exhausting.
We collect rainwater and use it for everything possible, even when it’s inconvenient. We buy organic products, including our dog’s flea treatment. And now Lily’s rabid about not supporting the Orlando Magic because the owner donated money to pass Amendment 2. I love basketball, my hometown team is in the finals, and I can’t root for them! Will not watching have any impact on the situation?!
But I lose this argument over and over. Any ideas about how we can coexist?
—Not Selfish, Feel Selfish
Dear One Fish, Two Fish,
It is lovely to be so conscientious and if we all lived in a theoretical reality of our own making, I see no harm. But the truth is, Lily lives in the real world, surrounded by real people who may or may not agree with most or any of her planet-centric treatises. If Lily wants to inconvenience herself by removing herself from the grid that’s her business. However, to insist that you change the way you look at the world because of her strong beliefs is not only unfair, it’s exceptionally arrogant and condescending.
It’s time for you to put your foot down and tell her that while you admire her dedication, you like your running water and Magic games, and just because she has a political issue with them doesn’t mean that you must as well.
It’s frankly a little selfish. Here comes the Truth, baby: by forcing you into the flock, she’s attempting to validate her own pretty ‘out there’ notions. Don’t let her get away with it. Dave has some real estate investments that have gone south, and I now have to pay more toward our mortgage and household expenses. I feel bad; he’s taking a beating. But it also seems unfair that I’m paying the price for his misfortune.
When I bring this up, Dave gets angry: “Well, why don’t you write every penny down and I’ll pay you back… and by the way I took a stick of gum from you this morning.” I grew up poor, and I’m conservative about money. Together we’re financially secure. I want to stay with Dave for the rest of our lives. Should I just let this go?
Dear Truth,
My husband, Dave, and I hooked up when we were in our late 30s, and by that time we both had some investments. We’ve been together almost 10 years now. We bought a house together a few years ago, but except for that, we’ve kind of kept our finances separate—especially the things we had when we met.
—Ramen Noodles
Dear Low Price, High Sodium,
After things have turned South is not the time to be having this conversation. I am of two minds here: on one hand, today’s economic circumstances represent a reality few saw coming and Dave can be forgiven for not planning adequately to keep things at status quo. In a crisis, one of the great things about having a partner is that you can reload the balance of the burden you face as a couple and keep the whole enterprise afloat.
That said, the fact that you’ve not thoroughly co-mingled your finances after 10 years speaks volumes. No judgment—it’s a system that works for a lot of couples.
The answer is simple, but not easy. You need to stop with the off-hand references, and he needs to stop with the commensurate come-backs. Then you both need to sit down and have a real conversation about the situation. Start by saying something like: “I can’t help but notice that this money stuff is starting to affect our relationship. I love you and I don’t want any hurt feelings, so let’s try to figure this out together.” Then engage in a serious, adult conversation about what has happened, and what can be done to right your collective financial ship.
