A recent incident at a local gay establishment involving an alleged rape seems to be causing quite the stir amongst gay men in Orlando. Out and about this past week, I've encountered an interesting dialogue with many different people but the common denominator is that there are many unanswered questions.
Let me preface by saying rape is never ok and “no” means no. “Rape” is a strong word, not to be taken or used lightly.
Now, for starters, Watermark reported, “The police report said when the officer asked [the accused] what happened, he replied: “The door was open and he was lying on his stomach and I penetrated him,” then [the accused] informed the officer “that it was common knowledge that if a door was ajar and the blinds were opened and someone was on their stomach, then someone could go into the room and have sex with whomever in the room.”
I hate to say it, but well, yea. That's the consensus I've heard from many gay men and yes, from personal experience. If I'm going to a gay resort, whether local or out of town, I would expect nothing less. Someone broached the question, “Well, what if I'm staying at a Hilton or a Hampton Inn?” (meaning a “mainstream” or “straight” establishment). A tricky question with an even trickier (no pun intended) explanation.
How to explain without throwing my gay brethren under the bus? Basically, in my experience, gay men have an unspoken language when it comes to sex and hooking up – a gay underground railroad, if you will. In short, gay men – if they're wanting sex or to hook-up – will find a way to send a signal, no matter where they are. It's kind of something you just learn as part of gay culture.
Let me emphasize, not all gay men are like this.
I've been on “straight” cruises where friends of mine have been able to track down and bed a number of gay men and even not-so gay married men on the ship. Same goes for “mainstream” hotels. Staying at an all-gay hotel/B&B makes it just that much easier and prone to happen. And one of the token come-hither signals is, you guessed it, leaving your door ajar and/or your curtains open. Laying naked on the bed along with those other two is definitely hard to argue that you're just looking to play Parcheesi.
Who does that?! Gay, straight or other; at a Hilton, a gay resort or on a cruise ship; who lies on their bed naked with the curtains drawn and the door open unless you're inviting some attention?
“The victim said [the accused] entered the room and he thought he was his boyfriend, but when [the accused] penetrated the victim, he realized it was a stranger and started to punch him until [the accused] stopped,” Watermark reported.
My question is, how do you not realize it's not your boyfriend (if that's really who he was expecting) once they've climbed on you and furthermore inserted themselves into you?! How does it take him until the guy is inside him to realize it's not his boyfriend? I know, for damn sure, that I would know if it was my partner or not climbing on top of me and even moreso the difference between his dick and someone else's!
Personally, what I think happened was the alleged victim was probably into it but when he turned to look at who it was, was turned off and changed his mind. A scuffle ensued as reported and the man left, that's it. The HIV status of the accused didn't even get disclosed until after his arrest.
The accused is still being held in jail for not disclosing his HIV status. While I don't condone this behavior and as I've learned, it's a felony not to disclose your HIV positive status in Florida, most of the news stories I've read, focus on that; even in the headlines, like, “HIV+ man accused of rape.” It's almost as if he's being found guilty of “rape,” right out the gate simply because he's HIV positive. I take issue with this as do many others I've talked to because all these news stories are seemingly demonizing the HIV positive gay community. By default, it's demonizing gay men as sex-crazed criminals.
Now, don't you think it's also the other party's joint responsibility to ask if their sex partner has an STD or better yet use protection?! I'm sad to say, I know many many gay men that do not heed this practice. So, let's take the word, “rape” out of the equation. Where is the personal responsibility?
One guy I talked to said it doesn't matter. If you have an STD, you should disclose it to your sexual partner and if you don't, you're a criminal. While I agree to the extent that people should be on an honor system as far as being honest with their sexual partners, I threw a different analogy at him. A straight man and woman have sex without a condom, the woman gets pregnant. Can she turn around and blame it all on the man? After all, the man did have a viable sperm count. Is it totally his fault for not mentioning that or all hers for having viable eggs? In this case, the argument can be made that pregnancy is equivalent to getting an STD.
Simply put, this sounds more like a misunderstanding than rape.
