It might seem like a futile effort to plan a gay wedding in a state where same-sex marriage is illegal. But for gay couples in the Sunshine State who have found true love, there are compromises and workarounds—just like any wedding.
Wes Miller and Mark Catlett are in the thick of planning their October wedding. They’re expecting about 100 guests to attend the backyard ceremony followed by cocktails, a buffet dinner with a carving station and dancing until 10 p.m. The Orlando couple invited Watermark along to observe their process: deciding what they want, who is the best vendor, and how they’ll carry out their plans without succumbing to the “Groomzilla” pitfall.
History and law
Miller and Catlett are already past the seven year itch. They met in fall 2002 at the University of Florida, where they were both students active in theatre. The couple lives in Orlando but got engaged at a resort in Key Largo, at the end of a pier over a pizza and a bottle of red wine.
“We exchanged rings which will be replaced by wedding bands when the ceremony happens,” Miller says. “It had been a washout of a trip based on the weather but the last day we spent at the beach, trying to cram a whole Keys vacation into one day. That was the end of it; a perfect sunset and we talked about going to a fancy dinner but pizza and wine sounded better.”
Catlett said the question of “Who asks?” was a non-issue.
“No one else around and not a cloud in the sky, we both brought out the rings at the same time and proposed together,” he says.
Once the couple’s intentions were settled, the two men had to come up with a plan to get married in a state where their union is not legally recognized. Catlett has family ties in Chicago so Miller and Catlett are traveling to Iowa in May where they’ll get a license and have the legal, courthouse ceremony. After that, they’ll head to Chicago where Catlett’s 90-year-old grandmother has offered to throw them a party because she is too old to travel.
Once their marriage is official, Miller and Catlett will both change their names by hyphenating, although they still haven’t decided whose last name will come first.
Family matters—a lot
Miller and Catlett both stress that their families are very supportive of their upcoming union, but like any couple preparing to legally blend their lives, they have to figure out the best way to blend their very different families. Miller is an only child whose parents are divorced, while Catlett’s family is large and involved.
“We’re very much attached to his family, the big family, and it feels like I have brothers now,” says Miller. “I had a little resistance from my father [about the wedding] at first but he’s since come around.”
Miller said Catlett’s parents treat him like a son (“At Christmas, I go to their house and they have a stocking for me!”) and both sets of parents will be attending their wedding in October.
“We know how lucky we are and we don’t take it for granted,” says Miller. “We have friends who are not as lucky.”
Another family matter is children. Catlett’s nephew is lined up to be their ring bearer and their guests are invited to bring their kids.
“It will be completely normal, and it’s nice to know people are willing to bring their kids and field [their children’s] questions,” says Miller. “When my nephew goes into a voting booth at 18, he will never have known anything different and our relationship will be just as normal as any other.”
The couple’s “adopted” family is also planning to be heavily involved. Maid of honor Shannon Bilo-Zepf is weighing in as the couple makes most of their planning decisions.
Their officiant is an old friend of Catlett’s. She is a black woman who married a white man in 1979, back when interracial marriage was still illegal in many parts of the country. The couple said they feel she will bring understanding and empathy to their ceremony.
Vendor madness
Miller and Catlett knew their venue of choice right away. They booked the Dr. Phillips Mansion at Lake Lucerne downtown because it perfectly fit their vintage-inspired theme. On a drizzly gray day in February, that’s where they set up camp in front of a roaring fireplace while meeting with vendor after vendor to decide who they would hire to carry out their plans. Miller is the obsessive planner and did most of the talking. Catlett had opinions and clearly cares about the decisions they are making, but all of the “Groomzilla” jokes made by Bilo-Zepf and Catlett were directed at Miller. Catlett and Bilo-Zepf frequently huddled together and whispered to each other while Miller fired multiple questions at the vendors.
Sprinkles will be providing their cake, and owner Larry Back said this isn’t his first gay rodeo.
“We’ve done more than 5,000 weddings, about 50 of those same-sex weddings, and some of them have been real doozies,” he said. “We had a lesbian couple and their cake topper was Beauty and the Beast.”
Altar-cations
Planning hasn’t all been cake and roses, as the couple found with one food vendor. Initially, Bilo-Zepf wasn’t going to make the appointment but at the last minute, her schedule allowed for it. When Miller and Catlett arrived at the caterer’s, they immediately approached an employee to inform her of Bilo-Zepf’s change of plans, to make sure it was all right that she joined them for the tasting.
When the employee heard a woman would be present, she pointed at the couple’s (both obviously male) names in the appointment book, looked at them pointedly, and said, “Oh, we were wondering…”
Miller and Catlett were upset and left before they tasted any food that day. The management was apologetic and the couple didn’t automatically rule out the caterer, although they did eventually decide to go with someone else. The couple agreed that they hope vendors will take something positive from this and look at it as a learning experience.
“Our photographer apologized for his form because it said ‘Bride’,” says Miller. “Maybe he’ll have another form made!”
In an effort to sniff out and curb dealing with any anti-gay reactions, Miller said he tried to pre-screen the vendors by being upfront about their type of wedding in his initial inquiry and including a questionnaire asking things like whether they’ve worked same-sex weddings before and how confident they are that all their employees would be open and professional on the day of the event.
Catlett said telling vendors up front that they’re dealing with a gay wedding is his key advice for other gay couples planning their big day because it gives both parties an out if the vibe is cold.
“There are too many options out there to settle,” he says. “They might not be okay with it, they might say something or offend someone on the day, and it’s not worth it.”
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So who did they choose?
Here is Mark and Wes’ final list of vendor selections:
Cake: Sprinkles (Larry Bach)
Invitations: Kevin Zepf Designs (Kevin Zepf)
Venue: Courtyard at Lake Lucerne (Angie Vargas)
DJ: Orlando’s Got Talent (Bruce Walrod)
Caterer: Meiner’s (Judy King)
Photography: Snap Photography (Christopher Smith)
Florist: Lowe and Behold (Randy Lowe)
