Lisa Lampanelli, you were just fired from “The Celebrity Apprentice.” What are you going to do now?
Well, she may not be going straight to Disney World, but she IS coming to Orlando and Tampa next weekend for two nights of her signature Queen of Mean stand-up comedy. She never travels anywhere without her acerbic tongue and both of her Central Florida dates are sure to be filled with plenty of dirt about her fellow contestants.
In case you haven't been watching what has been its BEST season EVER, the NBC Sunday night reality competition show/product placement variety hour features celebs auditioning for a de facto position in Donald Trump's organization while raising money for charity in the process. After making it to the final four, having just won $100,000 for the Gay Men's Health Crisis, Lampanelli was dismissed this past weekend because she often led with her emotions, a charge for which she makes no excuses.
Following Sunday's elimination episode, Lampanelli's Monday was a day-long barrage of media interviews about her experiences on the show. By her own description she ended the day on a high note, and saved the best for last: a gay-press-exclusive conversation with Watermark's Kirk Hartlage.
The last time we talked you had just gotten married, so you were likely still a newlywed when the offer came to do “The Celebrity Apprentice.” I'm curious how that conversation went with Jimmy Big Balls, your new husband: “Hey honey, we just got married but I'm gonna go spend a couple of months away from you.”
Oh no no no. It doesn't ever go like that. This is how every conversation goes: “Hey honey, guess what I'm doing.' “What?' Insert thing I'm doing. Insert him nodding and saying “Great.' And that's it! Because it has nothing to do with him. It has to do with: Is it good for my career? I've done what I wanted for 50 years without him; he's just happy he doesn't have to make the bed for 15 weeks.
He's very agreeable. I married somebody who doesn't have these big needs to be with me all the time. He's a very non-needy bastard, and I thank God for that because I can't stand somebody sucking all my oxygen.
When you come to Florida, what can we expect? Are you gonna talk some dirt about some of the people you were on there with?
Ohmigod. Starting last January when we were allowed to talk about being cast on the show, I had about 30 minutes of material just on the idiots on “The Celebrity Apprentice” alone! So yes, you can expect some very inside scoop and something that no one saw, because they can't air everything we tape. People are gonna hear a LOT about stuff they've never heard about “The Apprentice.”
When they first announced the cast we were totally stoked because there were several people our publication, and sometimes I personally, have interviewed. One of those is Debbie Gibson.
Debbie Gibson is amazing. At first I couldn't stand her because she comes to the first taping dressed in her frickin' 80's outfits. It was like she was stuck in a time warp! I thought , Oh I'm gonna hate this bitch. And then she started singing! We couldn't shut her up! Every chance she had to sing behind the scenes, in the vans on the way to a task she had to sing. She wouldn't shut her God-damned mouth! But then I thought, Hey, this broad's pretty fun. She kind of lightened things up a little. And all of a sudden, I'm a big fan of Debbie Gibson and I've got “Shake Your Love” going through my mind for 13 fuckin' weeks. I actually like and speak with her now.
Next time you do, ask her about this: There was a playwright here in Orlando who wrote and staged a jukebox musical using all Debbie Gibson music.
Wow. So basically the musical had just two songs?
There were a lot more songs in there than you would have expected!
Yeah, but none I would have recognized.
Well, neither did the audience”¦and that's probably why the show ran a week”¦end.
Oh, God bless her. I'm gonna have to tell her about that.
She came here for the debut! And she was incredibly gracious and so sweet.
You know, I really do like her. I think she has one the best hearts of all the people on the show, for sure.
You have a past as a rock-and-roll journalist, and have dealt with celebrities on the flip side. How did that help you on the show?
To not look at anyone as special. Because I'd been interviewing bands and actors since I was 18 years old. So, no one here really excites the F out of me, meeting them. We're all on an equal playing field, whether you're a housewife or you're a freaking former late-night legend. So, guess what? We're all the same, and you can all suck my dick, because I'm smarter than you.
In some of the post-show interviews that have already come out, you said you felt NBC was very “honest” with how they showed you.
Yes. A hundred percent.
Was that something you were surprised by?
Well, you're always a little nervous. Suppose they just show all the clips of me yelling. What if they don't show enough of my multi-layered crying? Because I wanted all my emotions to be shown in this thing. So, I was very happy with it. The only thing I was upset about in the editing was and you're the only one I'm telling this to, they made some people look smarter and more capable and not as lazy as they were. And that was kind of a slap in the face, because they showed me exactly how I am, why don't you show them to be the losers that they are, too? I think it comes down to NBC not wanting to hurt anyone's career and show them to be completely horrible. So I kind of get it, but part of me is a little bit sad.
I'm sure over time, though”¦
Oh, the truth always comes out.
When you were in the final four and getting interviewed by last season's runner-up Marlee Matlin, I thought you were finished, because Marlee's probably seen how you treat sign language interpreters during your stand-up act.
Oh, Marlee and I know each other from the Trump roast, so she has a pretty good sense of humor about that deaf thing, even though I'm pretty sure she's probably faking it to get attention. I mean, you're not like everybody else; whatever, bitch.
I always thought she was mad cool. When they did the interviews I thought they were pretty positive in all their comments. To say that someone is too emotional, to me that's not an insult. We're actors, we're comics, we're singers. We're supposed to be emotional. So, I was very happy with their assessment.
You certainly showed passion about the work you were doing, and clearly there were people Victoria Gotti who did not.
There were people there who couldn't care less. They were just there to make themselves better known. I won't say my charity was my number one priority there, because I'd be a liar. Nobody's charity was number one. The fact is we all wanted to get more famous, or get back to a place we used to be, like the Arsenios and people like that. The Lou Ferrignos. Those people. And that's fine. But it is a charity event after all. At least put in a little effort for that.
There are a ton of charities out there, how did you end up selecting the Gay Men's Health Crisis?
I had done the AIDS Walk a few years ago, and they coordinate it. I read up on that, and I liked the work they did. I could never attach myself to a charity unless I really mean it. Because I hate the people who just pick something and go, Well, it's good for my career. So I started volunteering down there, serving meals and things. I also found out they were a great charity when I was protested by the Westboro Baptist Church. [Last May, when Westboro announced they would picket Lampanelli's show in Topeka, Kansas, she offered to donate $1,000 to a gay charity for each church member that showed up. Though various head counts had the number somewhere in the upper 40's, Lampanelli wrote the GMHC a check for $50,000 in the church's name.] I had a good history with them and I really believe in what they do.
So, it's not as possibly rumored a rumor I'm starting here that of all the groups you make fun of, you feel guiltiest about the gays.
No! I feel guilty about the blacks, because I used to bang the blacks and there's no excuse for that. I'm terrible in the sack; I should be giving to the NAACP.
But isn't sleeping with some guys charity work in itself?
It was in my case, definitely, Sir! You are correct! (laughs)
You told Entertainment Weekly that you watch “The Celebrity Apprentice” every Sunday with Jimmy Big Balls and your group of gays.
Oh, I am so lucky that I have the best fags right here in New York City! I have my hairdresser Shawn, who does my extensions, and his boyfriend Michael, who's an architect for the World Trade Center. They are fabulous; they've been together, like, 15 years. That's like the longest relationship I've ever seen other than my parents. Then I have my really great friend Taylor, who's single and adorable, and for some reason is co-dependent, like I am, so we bonded instantly. Then I have a friend Tony, who's in “Mama Mia” on Broadway. I have Tommy and Kenny, who are a couple together over 10 years, and they're both chefs. I have all these cornholers around me, and I feel very blessed because we have a good sense of humor. We watch the show, we laugh our asses off, and the glory holes are empty that night.
If ever I'm in New York, and you're hanging out on a Sunday, I'm inviting myself over.
You are! We'll be watching “Real Housewives of New Jersey” now, once this show is over.
And since I'm single I may have to put the moves on the co-dependent one.
Oh, you'll love him. Taylor's adorable!
If he likes bears, it's on. We'll be fine.
I think at this point he'll like anything, even you!
Last question, and something sort of serious: Where do you see the line between the act that you do, and the whole discussion going on now about bullying?
OK, that's just”¦you know I love you, but you realize how stupid that question is, right?
Oh yeah, I do know!
I'm not saying you're stupid, it just”¦ It's such obvious entertainment value. Bullying is plotting behind someone's back to take them down if they're weaker than you. A comic who goes on stage and makes fun of every single group, and takes no prisoners, and makes fun of themself as equally as they make fun of everybody else? They're pretty much bullying themselves and the whole audience, clearly for entertainment effect. It's also to make a bigger point about hey, this is the way really ignorant people talk and that's not the way we should do things when we're not on the stage. The people throwing around the word “bully” these days, I think they all should get a big stick up their ass, and suck it, because I'm so sick of that word. I will not allow it anymore in my house. Now I'm gonna have to go hit Jimmy because you said it.
More info
WHO: Lisa Lampanelli
WHEN: 8 p.m. Friday, May 18 at Hard Rock Live, Orlando; Saturday, May 19, Straz Center, Tampa
TICKETS: HardRockLive.com or StrazCenter.org
