Dear Truth,
I am a 29-year-old gay man living near Orlando, and I have been single for about five years. About three years ago, I found out that I was HIV-positive. I chose not to reveal my status to my family because they are very conservative Catholics (we've never discussed my being gay) and I'm sure it would have affected my relationship with them. I also didn't tell most of my friends since my parents live nearby and we all hang out together, and I didn't want it to slip out by mistake.
Sure enough, my best friend Martina said something about my status to my sister at my parents' 4th of July picnic. Now the whole family knows and half of them aren't talking to me. I am furious with Martina, but she says it was an honest mistake and I should be relieved that they finally know. She wants to try and “fix” our friendship, and our other friends tell me I should forgive her. I just can't believe she would do this! How should I handle this?
“En Fuego in Fern Park
Dear Friendship On Fire,
First of all, Martina gets a double fault on the loose lips. And it's a shade infuriating that she would try to convince you of why it's a relief. That's garden variety excuse-making for her error in judgment. Whatever the outcome of her chatterboxing, it wasn't her decision to make. So Boo on her. Your letter is filled with questions I'd rather answer: such as why your family isn't speaking with you after this disclosure, and the wisdom of keeping an important piece of information from nearly everyone in your life (and then choosing a blabbermouth as one of the people you do entrust with the 411). But alas, you're asking about what to do about Martina. Here comes the Truth: Look, she didn't tell a lie about you, or disparage you in any way, and there was clearly no malice involved. I'd take this opportunity to explain to her the boundaries of respectful friendship, and then I'd forgive her.
Dear Truth,
My girlfriend Joanna and I have been together for over two-and-a-half years, and she recently admitted that she fooled around with a mutual friend about six months after we started dating. At the time, we were in the middle of a huge fight, but I'm certain there was never a question that we were still together. I have always feared that Joanna would cheat on me since she flirts with everyone; plus, my last girlfriend cheated on me, too. Since we met, I have repeatedly asked Joanna whether she fooled around with anyone else and she always said “no,” but I always had my doubts.
Now that my fears have been confirmed, I don't think I can forgive her (even though I still love her). I know she regrets it, but her repeated denials and deception make it hard for me to believe anything she says. What should I do?
“Wish I Wasn't Right
Dear Wasn't Right,
Her denials were only repeated because you kept asking. And as you've signed your letter implies you know, you get no reward for being right in this situation. On one hand, it would be easy to say that because of your romantic history, you're a little paranoid about people cheating on you. But as you've discovered, being paranoid isn't the same thing as being wrong.
While I think that not “believing anything she says' is an extreme reaction to a deception that happened 18 months ago, I also get the sense that this is something that you're going to have a great deal of trouble dealing with. If you do decide to stay, you're going to have to find a way to put this behind you (this is a situation screaming out for couples' therapy, by the way). If you can't genuinely forgive her and trust her again, your relationship is built on quicksand and will inevitably cave in. You say you love her and I believe you. But to be with her you have to forgive her and trust her again. A therapist could help, but the emotional heavy lifting will still be yours to do. Best of luck.
