I felt my life turning into a telenovella.
Warren was scheduled to leave for a dance tournament and would likely be unreachable for the next week. Before I found myself on the phone to Cheaters or trashing his place looking for evidence then blaming the mess on a break-in or casually tossing into conversations that Lorena Bobbitt was simply misunderstood, I knew it was time to lay my cards on the table.
While helping him pack for his trip, I told him my expectations. I want the Three R’s; Respect, Reliability and Romance. He seemed receptive and reassured me that I was the only person he wanted to be with. For the first time in months, I was relieved. It was liberating to be able to open up to him.
It wasn’t until he left that I realized how much Warren really did hear what I was telling him. He called me every day and numerous times a day just to say hi and see how my day was going. Wow, does this communication thing actually work?
On the last day of his trip, he began telling me about all the thinking and mediation he had been doing. He went on to explain ominously how he had dated certain men for the wrong reasons; that in most cases, he didn’t even want to be with them. I asked him if he was trying to tell me something. He said he wasn’t referring to me and that he was just venting but I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d bring it up to me then. Red flag or idiosyncrasy?
On the day of his return, he had to work but we planned on meeting at his place after. I decided to grab a drink at a nearby bar until he got off. On the way there, I stopped at the store, picked up a rose, went to his studio and placed it along with a note on his windshield. In light of our anomalous last conversation, I wanted him to know that he didn’t need to feel pressure to be with me but that I adored him.
As I sat at the bar, waiting for him to finish up with his last student, we texted back and forth. He informed me when he was on his way home. So, I finished up my drink and began driving over to his apartment. When I confirmed that I was on my way, his texts became detached and soon, he didn’t answer at all.
As I parked my car in front of his building, I called him. No answer. What gives? I got out of my car, still trying to get a hold of him as I walked up to the entrance. I thought maybe he fell asleep after a long trip and a long day. Or maybe his battery died. Or maybe he was in the laundry room or a number of other excuses I wanted myself to believe. I wasn’t about to just show up at his door without hearing back from him. I’m not a stalker. So, I got back in my car.
The strangest thing happened as I went to start my car. A voice as clear as day told me to get out of my car and go back up to the building because there was something I needed to learn. I discounted it at first but when it became more pronounced, I even found myself responding, “Ok.”
Maybe it was Steven.
When I walked towards the door, I looked up to see
“Yea, that’s me,” I stated.
“I see that,” he responded.
“Well, are you going to buzz me in?”
“Oh, um. Actually, I’m kind of in the middle of something.”
Big ol' Red Flag!
I laughed, “Ok, like what?”
He seemed almost insulted that I would question him.
“I’ll tell you about it later.”
“Right,” I smirked. “Don’t bother.”
I hung up the phone and confidently walked back to my car. It was pretty amazing. I wasn’t mad or hurt. I felt calm, at ease; my concerns were justified. I finally had my proof that he was jerking me around.
Clarity doesn't always come at once but when it does, it's like a flag pole to the head. Thanks to my Relationship Resolutions I finally saw
He was the one sabotaging things all along. It was textbook. He feared being too close. His energies were concentrated on keeping me from penetrating his defenses, including trying to “rescue” me.
He wants to be with someone, anyone but as soon as things got serious, he started looking for reasons why I wasn’t the “right one.” I mean, he blatantly lied to me, cheated on me and was cruel, all to “test” my devotion. He would self-depreciate himself, looking for reassurance. He surrounds himself with people that stroke his ego constantly and when they stop, he’s done with them. The harsh truth is that neither me nor anyone else will ever be able to love him enough. He’ll always have a new summit for someone to climb.
If he wanted to, he could learn to get in touch with his feelings and express them, albeit with the help of a competent therapist but I could no longer chase someone, prove myself or try and make him want me.
Erik Fact: Don't be afraid to go after what you want and demand the three R's in your relationship. Sanity doesn't hurt either.
