One would think the concept of monogamy would be simple. Just have sex with one—and only one—person. Perhaps it’s sex with a long-term partner, between two people regularly dating or even a monogamous, purely sexual relationship otherwise know as friends with benefits.
But for many, monogamy is about much more than sex. Emotional issues, spirituality, commitment, and a range of other factors figure into whether people want a monogamous relationship or if they need to re-evaluate the relationship they’re already in.
Finding a monogamous relationship can be tricky and involves more than just a physical attraction. Several people asked about monogamy for this article say sex is just one part of a monogamous relationship. For some, love and monogamy can both be found online.
Robin Hankins, 51, is the producer of the LGBT web-based TV show As I Am. While she has had two long-term monogamous relationships in the past, she is currently single.
“Sex for me isn’t a single solitary action,” Hankins says. “All the elements have to come together—the emotional and spiritual sides both play big roles too. Sex for me is a concert of things that turn me on, not just a single instrument.”
Hankins‘ two previous monogamous relationships were for seven and 14 years. She says she would very much like to be in another one.
“For me, when I’m in a monogamous relationship, it’s all about the intimacy and companionship,” Hankins says.
Hankins dates, but she admits that she has been less than successful in finding what she has been looking for.
“Honestly, I’ve been on four or five dates since I’ve been single this time and they were all awful,” she says. “One woman brought her child to every single date we went on. Another just seemed to be angry at everything.”
Despite the setbacks, she is hopeful that she’ll find companionship.
One challenge Hankins faces is her status in the community. Thanks to her program and several other high-profile positions, she is very visible in Tampa Bay’s LGBT community.
“I went out with one woman who said she was out, but when I asked her if she was out at work her reaction was ,‘Oh my! No, not at work.’”
Since a person’s sexuality isn’t protected in Florida, a person can be fired simply for who they are. Hankins understands the fear accompanying that but for her, the perfect companion would be someone who is out and comfortable with herself.
“You can’t avoid my high visibility in the gay community,” Hankins says. “Its part of who I am and whomever I’m involved with is going to have to feel comfortable with that.”
Monogamy and emotional security
Mark Epstein, 62, is the Community Advisor for Suncoast Hospice. He says monogamy is whole lot more about emotional security than sexual fidelity. For him it’s about feeling like there is someone who cares about him as much as he cares about them. Interestingly, he doesn’t equate monogamy with co-habitation. In fact, he would prefer to continue to live alone even if he did find a monogamous relationship.
“I’d like to have the bottom drawer of someone’s dresser where I could keep a few things if I stayed over. I’d be glad to clean out a bottom drawer at my house for my partner,” he says. “But honestly, I’m a very private person and I need my own personal space. I’m not sure living with someone would be for me.”
A monogamous relationship is based in friendship, for Epstein.
“What I’m really looking for in a monogamous relationship is a best friend who I happen to have sex with, too” he says.
Values are important to Epstein as well when searching for that love connection. But some differences of opinion are okay.
“I might not share my partner’s views on abortion, but we’d have to share some values about the commitment we would be expressing in this relationship,” he says.
Avoiding sexually transmitted diseases is obviously a benefit of monogamy, but for Epstein, who is negative, a person’s HIV status is not nearly as important as the other elements of the relationship.
“Before I am comfortable having sex with someone I have to be attracted to them as a whole person, not just one part,” he says. “Sex for me is multidimensional. It’s about mental things, spirituality, commitment, and of course a strong physical attraction. I want to share a relationship with someone who is as compelled as I am to show respect to their partner.”
Finding love online
As technology invades our lives more and more each day, many search online profiles for love. But is it possible to find a monogamous relationship online in today’s freewheeling no holds barred sexually charged internet hookups? It can be a challenge. Yet, both men and women do seem to find this kind of relationship from their keyboards.
Chrissy Swanson, 30 and her girlfriend, 39, have been in a monogamous relationship for seven months. They live together in a rented house in St. Petersburg.
The two met on the website “Plenty of Fish” and exchanged emails on the site for about 10 days before they switched to their personal email accounts. Swanson’s girlfriend was living in Pompano Beach at the time and Swanson was in Tampa.
While they had a long talk the first time they met, they admit that sex immediately followed. They have been monogamous ever since.
Swanson has been in two previous monogamous relationships, one that lasted a few months, the other for three years.
“I wouldn’t consider anything else,” she says. “If you know what it feels like for someone to cheat on you then you can understand the benefits of real monogamy.”
Nick Capezza, 40, met the man he is dating on Facebook. They both had mutual friends and discovered they had mutual interests on their profiles. Capezza says he only has sex with the man he is dating. He’s had two former monogamous relationships, one for five years and the other for 13.
“For me monogamy is about honesty and trust with your partner,” says Capezza. “Since I am concerned about AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, I have to trust that my partner is going to be monogamous as well.”
Capezza says he and his partner were tested for HIV together.
“I think a lot of the wild online sex means that people compromise what they are looking for,” says Capezza. “When you are doing the whole online thing, you need to be your own parent. I do think the internet has revolutionized the way gay men meet each other. Before it there were really just the bars. Now you can have a whole range of experiences just sitting in front of you computer.
“I was lucky in that I found what I was looking for that way.”
