Now that the John’s and my relationship was officially over, it seemed there were only legal matters to deal with. We owned a home together and needed to figure out how that was going to work. Watermark should really cover how a gay couple can handle dividing property in a crappy real estate market in their next “Real Estate” issue.
At first, I fought him on it but in the end, decided to let him live in the house while I moved into an apartment. I care more about my sanity than a house. While I searched for a place, packed and stock-piled money, I would have to remain in the house with John where I soon learned legal matters wouldn’t be the only thing lingering; there were still matters of the heart to contend with.
While I knew it would be difficult to live with John as just a roommate for the time being, I figured as long as we kept our distance and didn’t disclose our personal lives to one another, it would be somewhat bearable and potentially allow us to become friends. I made a conscious effort to keep our schedules opposite and not be home when he was.
It seemed to be working. When we were home together, I simply stayed in one room and kept to myself while he would be in another, generally playing on the computer. Hmm, doesn’t sound much different than when we were together.
As the weeks wore on, our lives became more and more separate; John immersing himself in bar-hopping with his softball team and me cautiously yet hopefully nurturing a blossoming relationship with Warren. While out one night with some friends, I ran into Christian, John’s best friend’s boyfriend. I greeted him genuinely and politely but he seemed…awkward. I shrugged it off until later that night when he texted me. He wanted to apologize.
A few more inquiring texts later and I realized that he and John had a hot and heavy make out session at a bar the night prior. I simply laughed it off. It was none of my business but also I realized John was clearly exhibiting his own form of grief.
Later that week, another acquaintance avoided me when he spotted me in a bar. When I approached him to say ‘hello,’ he began apologizing, then tripped all over his words and himself to get away from me. I smirked. Another one? Really John, are you sleeping your way through all of your friends?
I went back to the friend I was with and regaled him with the latest. A softball player himself, he knew more than just the two people that had come to me. He informed me about John and a teammate, who also had a boyfriend, getting drunk and the guy throwing up on John’s lap while going down on him at the bar. Ewwwww! Classy.
Then, there was yet another teammate, also with a boyfriend; John was caught messing around with at a bar. Man, he’s going to have a lot to apologize for when he’s done “grieving.”
At the same time, I wondered why people felt the need to tell me about what John was doing. The relationship is over. He has his own life to live, choices to make and deal with. I was simply trying to move on. Were they trying to make me jealous or trying to make me feel better that John was on a self-destructive path? I felt sorry for him if anything. Although, I couldn’t help but chuckle a little when I heard the “Blow Job/Throw-Up” story.
I soon discovered John was not only sabotaging his own life but attempting to take me down with him. I received a call the other day from Warren stating that he’d been verbally accosted by a girl that played on John’s softball team while innocently having dinner out with friends. Apparently, she walked up to him and began accusing him of breaking John and I up, then went on to try and assassinate my character. I couldn’t believe the audacity and classlessness of some people. I barely even knew this woman and Warren DEFINITELY had no idea who she was.
Luckily, Warren is an intelligent, mature adult and able to see what was going on as well. Instead of playing into the pathetic, immature games of John and his friends, it simply proved yet another vice and liability that caused the demise of John and me.
I hoped and thought this was just an isolated innocent. Alas, I gave John too much credit. Then, the emails and texts started. I began receiving vicious, unfounded emails in my Facebook mail from John’s softball friends. Apparently, he was going around telling people that I was being physically abusive and he was in fear for his life. Oh, my God! Can you say “Sociopath?” Time to block some people, I guess.
When he realized he wasn’t getting a rebuttal or reaction from me, he began emailing me at work with threats against my job, personal life and just spiteful insults. I would not allow him to get to me. He was trying to make me out to be the bad guy but I understood he was hurting as much as I was, (as hard as that seems to believe). I had to be the better person, as difficult as that can be sometimes. I simply replied to each of his nasty emails and texts with, “I’m sorry you feel that way. God bless you.”
I couldn’t understand why he was lashing out at me. Yes, we both made mistakes but it was his decision to end the relationship. Was he reacting out of regret? Was he really mad at me or himself? Either way, it was definitely not helping salvage ANY kind of friendship.
The screwed up part is that all the while he was exhibiting his erratic behavior; all I wanted to do was be next to him, to hold him and tell him to stop because I knew that wasn’t the person I had been in love with for the past four years.
I decided not to let other people impede on my path of clarity. I began cutting out negativity; friends who were trying to play both sides, friends who wouldn’t respect my choice to not know what John was doing in his personal life; people who wouldn’t acknowledge the fact that what transpired between John and me was between John and me and needed no explanation. I also asked John politely to leave me alone and not have any kind of contact with me or interfere with my life and I would do the same. He agreed.
Erik Fact: People grieve in many ways, all of which are fine and healthy, just as long as you’re allowing yourself to feel the emotion. How you cope with coping is another thing. It’s ok to be vulnerable or heartbroken. For John, his actions weren’t constructive but in effect, sabotaging friendships, alienating people and self-destructive. For me, I wanted to mourn the relationship, reflect and grow from it…and still have good people around me in the end. If you can’t do that, you’ll end up bitter, emotionally unavailable and unable to find true intimacy in anyone else. You’re lying to yourself if you say there’s no love loss after a break-up.
