Dear Truth, Eliza’s father is an alcoholic and generally abusive because of it—he even threatened to hit me once. He has stolen money from her savings account and once we had to bail him out of jail. He is also a pathological liar and has caused the whole family a lot of grief.
Eliza’s mother left him and remarried, but Eliza’s relationship with the rest of her family is strained because of her history with her father.
Now and then, Eliza’s father writes her and sends little gifts to show he’s thinking about her. Recently, he has been writing to Eliza a lot more, trying to reach out to her. He and I have even met a couple of times without Eliza’s knowledge. He says he has changed, and I believe him.
Eliza doesn’t want to give him the chance to hurt her again, but she is filled with so much insecurity because of her past that I think it might be time for them to reunite.
My partner, Eliza, and I have been happily married for four years. She gets along well with my family, but refuses to have contact with her own father.
Do you think she should contact him?
—Hopeful in Clearwater
Dear HIC,
I’m confused. You describe Eliza’s father as a pathological liar, violent, a drunk, abusive and a thief. Then, quite unexpectedly, you say you’re communicating with him and that you believe he’s changed. Yet you give me no reason why you think that. Either you’re not giving me complete information or you’re the most naive person on the planet. In the absence of further information, I’m forced to respond based on the information you have given.
By meeting with Eliza’s father without her knowledge, you’re interloping where you don’t belong. Eliza has chosen—for what seem to be exceptionally good reasons—to distance herself from a toxic influence in her life. As her partner, your sole allegiance is to her, not to her giant mess of a father. If you fess up to Eliza that you’ve been speaking to him, and even advocate a meeting, you risk really pissing her off, and I wouldn’t blame her. Here comes the Truth, baby: Stand with solidarity by your girlfriend! What you’re doing is practically treasonous. If Eliza doesn’t want to speak with him, for good reason by the way, that’s her call. And it’s your job to support her notions regarding the healthiest way to live her life, in the case, without her father.
Dear Truth, My friends and family tell me what a wonderful, funny, beautiful person I am—that I have a great personality and I should begin dating again. They are always trying to set me up with someone. Sometimes the thought is appealing, but when the time comes to call or approach a guy, I get scared.
I have been asked out, but I never go. A part of me likes being single, but sometimes I get lonely and wish I could find the courage to ask a guy out. My mom keeps asking me if I’ve met anyone. I know she wants me to be happy, but I’m scared of being hurt again, so I lie to everyone and tell them I’m fine. But I can’t lie to myself: I’m not fine and I’m terrified that I may end up alone.
What can I do to boost my confidence?
I am a 31-year-old single man who was in a serious relationship for seven years with a man who had been my best friend since high school. We parted on bad terms about two years ago. We said (and did) some awful things to each other during the break up. When he left, I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my chest.
—Damaged Goods
Dear HGDG,
I feel your pain, and we’ve all been there. But by allowing fear and anxiety to rule your thinking, you’re not only insulating yourself from heartache, but also from the potential for true happiness. It’s time to lower your expectations, increase your self-confidence by believing your friends, and stick out your chin. Yes you might take some punches, but frankly, what is your alternative? A life intentionally marginalized? Know this: pain comes from living life, and you haven’t suffered your last blow. But being a fully actualized adult means taking the arrows life might throw and still standing tall, believing in yourself, and knowing that true happiness is something you’re destined for if you allow yourself to be open to it.
Here comes the Truth, baby: we all get hurt and we all have disappointments. But every single one of us is worthy of love. Your far too young to give up. At the end of your life, the worst epitaph would be “Here lies DG, who got hurt once and never tried again.”
