Dear Truth, From the expression on Tomas’ face and the looks he exchanges with the other employees in the store, it’s clear he considers Peter a pest. I have spoken up and said, “Tomas must have a grandfather your age,” or, “There’s no fool like an old fool,” but Peter ignores it. My concern is that he’s making a fool of himself in public and, by extension, me. I’m so embarrassed; I can no longer walk into my favorite store. Tomas is popular. He has many dates and is not interested in Peter. I hate to be pitied by others. What can I do to stop this?
My husband, “Peter”—65 and retired—has a crush on a 25-year-old man who lives in our small community and who manages a clothing store I frequent. Peter is usually quiet and reserved, but when he sees “Tomas,” he utters loud cries and runs to his side. Peter examines every detail of Tomas’ appearance, grabs his arm or shoulders and compliments him endlessly on his physique and his attire.
—Old Fool in Ocala
Dear Friend of Old Fool,
Here comes the Truth, baby: You’ve already done everything I’d recommend. You have spoken to Peter about his behavior and you’ve even given him some pointed observations. You’ve let him know it makes you uncomfortable. And yet he still continues to behave like the gay male equivalent of a cougar. (A puma? Meerkat? Ocelot?) As you know, there are many young men—even as young as Tomas—who desire relations with men even Peter’s age, but (1) clearly Tomas is not one of them; and (2) there is the pesky matter of the fact Peter has a husband. You.
I’d approach this with him again but in a way that doesn’t bruise his ego so much, and could potentially be productive. Telling him that you feel jealous by his attention to Tomas (whether or not that may be true) might get him to tone it down for different reasons. He is apparently impervious to embarrassment, so telling him he looks foolish is not working. But maybe he cares enough about you not to hurt your feeling times in and out. Again, actual hurt feelings aren’t necessary. You know very well Tomas will not magically fall for Peter. If all else fails, I’d simply stop going to the clothing store with Peter, and when you do go by yourself and see Tomas, you might want to tactfully apologize for Peter’s overzealousness. At least that way, you’re not catching shrapnel from your lover’s errant libido.
Dear Truth,
My boyfriend and I were recently invited to dinner by an older, affluent gay couple to celebrate their purchase of a new home. We normally don’t go out to eat much because of tight finances, but we felt this was a special occasion. On their suggestion, we went to a really nice restaurant in the touristy part of town. Our table wasn’t ready when we arrived, so we had martinis (again, their suggestion) while we were waiting. At the table, they asked us if we would “share a bottle of wine,” and we said, “Of course.” Dinner was amazing, and we added two more bottles of wine, coffees and dessert at their urging. But when the check arrived, our hosts calmly looked at it and said that we were splitting it. Now, I’m not cheap, but I think if someone invites you to dinner at an expensive restaurant and orders a ton of food and alcohol, they should foot the bill. Am I right?
—Duped at Dinner
Dear D.A.D.,
Let me see if I get this right: You accepted an invitation to a restaurant you knew to be pricey. You ordered martinis before the meal, and I assume, drank and enjoyed them. You agreed (and partook) when it was suggested to crack a bottle. More wine, coffees, and desserts, shared equally around the table. And this is to celebrate your friends moving into a new house. Do I think they should have paid? Here comes the Truth, baby: Hell, no!
At any point along that continuum you could have suggested a different restaurant, begged off the wine, the pre-meal cocktails or the desserts. Myriad excuses could have been given, or a simple “we’re on a tight budget” may have sufficed most effectively. Then, when there is a clear and present discrepancy in the amount one couple consumed over another, it is perfectly reasonable to divide up the bill based on consumption. If you don’t eat the dessert or drink the cocktails, you shouldn’t have to pay for a percentage of those who did. However, you willingly partook in every course and in that case, dividing the bill evenly is the socially approved solution. As for their obligation to buy you dinner, only if they expected you to put out after the meal should you expect them to pick up the tab.
Again the meal was in celebration of a milestone in their lives. If anything, I would have expected you to make the move for the full check, although hopefully they would have had the social graces to not accept and split the bill evenly, exactly as you did. And next time remember, there is no shame in saying ‘No thanks’ if you can’t afford it.
