I never had the opportunity to meet Ryan Skipper and I didn’t meet his parents until the vigil following his murder. Over the past two years I’ve learned about Ryan’s character, interests and the kindness of his heart. I do not know what he would say about his contributions to the world he touched in his short 25 years of living. What I can tell you is Ryan’s violent and untimely death has inspired his parents and loved ones to make a profound difference in his name.
His parents, Lynn and Pat Mulder, were always supportive of their son and never imagined the untimely loss of him at the hands of hatred, bigotry and violence. They also never imagined becoming LGBT activists for justice and equality, but that was the place they found themselves in following the loss of their beloved Ryan.
The Mulders did more than just manage their feelings of outrage, loss and forgiveness, both privately and publicly, as they walked the unfamiliar terrain of the justice system and waited for the trial of the two young men who took the life of their son. They often asked themselves, “How would Ryan want us to use this tragedy for good?” and forgiveness was always in the forefront of their contributions as they dedicated themselves to the work of LGBT activism.
They have taught me more about the work of forgiveness than my training and education ever offered. For most of us the concept of forgiveness is not new, but the “how to” is rarely taught. Most religions have something to say about both unconditional love and the importance of forgiveness, but even our religious teachings fall short of the “how to” process for such teachings.
The first lesson I learned from the Mulders was the actions of another did not justify inappropriate actions on the part of the receiver. They did not plot revenge nor did they use hateful speech toward the alleged (now convicted) perpetrators of Ryan’s murder. They did not retreat and grow silent in their pain. They cautiously accepted the invitation of this tragedy as they held close to their hearts the principles of their faith and the comfort of family and friends.
The second lesson was earlier this year at MCC Tampa’s Good Friday service. Following the words Jesus spoke on the cross, “O God, forgive them for they know not what they do,” the Mulders shared their ongoing journey of forgiveness. Ryan’s mother, Pat, said, “I have forgiven these two young men and I do this everyday and sometimes several times a day.” The concept of forgiveness teaches that you simply forgive someone and then move on. Unfortunately, this action rarely reaches to the depths of your pain and soon you are reliving the familiar feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness that control your thoughts, conversations, health, actions and maybe even your relationship with others and the Divine. Pat taught me that forgiveness is a daily practice not an immediate action and requires intention, commitment and time.
The third lesson came Nov. 3 following the guilty verdict of William Brown, Jr. At a press conference the Mulders were not just focused on the justice served by the guilty verdict. They called for the end of violence, hatred and bigotry and celebrated the passing of federal hate crimes legislation. They called for inclusive legislation to protect LGBT folks regarding job and housing protections and marriage equality.
When ask about their feelings towards the convicted murderers of their beloved Ryan, Pat said, “I have forgiven them for what they did. That does not excuse them. They have to pay the price for their actions. The forgiveness in my heart and mind is for me.”
Neither her statement nor her need was for them to receive her forgiveness, although she offered it to them.
What Lynn and Pat offer all of us is that forgiveness is an active process. Many of us hold onto the feelings of anger, resentment, revenge and hatred because of experiences of betrayal, abandonment, deceit, violence and other actions perpetrated by one or more people. The truth of the matter is forgiveness is much harder to live into than the feeling such painful actions may produce.
We often choose to stuff our feeling, anesthetize them, ride the waves of anger they produce while privately or publicly creating revenge. Few of us have ever experienced the tragic circumstance the Mulders have faced and yet we choose to live in the pain of whatever hurt us instead of the promise of freedom forgiveness offers.
At some point in our lives all of us will face a situation that is accompanied by the need for forgiveness. The invitation is to step into this opportunity as a process and not just an action. Forgive every day, more if necessary.
Remember it is less important what others do with your forgiveness and more important that you forgive for your own heath and well-being. As the saying goes, it is not the destination, but what we do along the way that offers us the greatest peace and fulfillment.
