The story is always the same. You meet a great guy, start dating and see all roads clear ahead. All checkpoints have been met: he's single, attractive, and interested in the same level of dating as you. After a couple of weeks, your guard is down. You feel like you can say anything to him. But then, POOF, you reveal too much and they're gone.
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I was still avoiding the social scene after my preposterous papi but a co-worker's birthday coaxed me out of hiding. As my co-worker was caught up with fellow partiers, I found myself off in quiet area, nursing my cocktail and burning through Marlboro Ultra Lights. Just as I was about to leave, a familiar face came over to join me. Jay and I have been mutual acquaintances of my co-worker for years. We never really hung out but always have great chats when we see each other. Witty banter ensued. Even when an uninvited bar patron came over and tried to hit on me, he pretended to be my boyfriend, causing the undesirable to walk away.
But wait! It hit me as I looked back at Jay. “We do make a great team and potential boyfriends,' I thought to myself. How great is it when you meet someone and hit it off when you aren't even paying attention? I think we all like the poetic idea of a relationship evolving from a friendship that catches fire. Clearly, I wasn't alone. As we went to say goodnight, Jay asked for my number and said he'd call when he got home and wanted to hang out sometime. Of course, the Bitter Betty side of me figured I wouldn't hear from him but the hopeless romantic part of me was feeling the butterflies.
He did call that night and we ended up going out later that week. After a couple of weeks, I was elated to think I'd met a man who was perfect for me. It was fun, we clicked on all levels and it felt”¦comfortable. We seemed to be mutually pursuing each other. We talked and texted daily. He revealed intimate details about his life and even stated that he wanted to see only me.
Jump to a month later”¦One night after a show, we decided to go out dancing. We were both cracking each other up and just having a blast. Maybe I was caught up in the moment. Maybe it was the cocktails. Either way, amidst the conversation, I stopped him and said, “I really like you.”
“Aw, thanks,” he responded sincerely.
Ouch. The kiss of death.
Over the next week, he seemed to checkout. I would text him and would be answered with evasive and brief texts. Hmmm.
Finally, after another week of this, he contacted me to see if I was free for brunch. He said he'd been thinking and wanted to talk. Uh-oh. Here it comes: The Speech.
True to form, he blurted out the standard “I'm-blowing-you-off-but-I'm-too-big-of-a-baby-to-actually-come-right-out-and-say-it” speech. In case you're not familiar, it goes something like, “I realized I'm not ready for a relationship but I'd still like to hang out though,” or “I have a lot going on right now.”
Had I come on too strong or as desperate for a relationship? No. I had just stayed true to one of my life lessons; I will not be afraid to own my emotions. If I feel strongly about someone, I'm going to say it and not let the moment pass me by. Besides, all I had told him was that I really enjoyed spending time with him. It's not like I professed my undying love for him or something.
Why can't people just be honest, mature adults and simply give each other the respect to simply say, “Hey, I don't want to see you anymore” or “I just don't see you that way”? Don't they know it's more hurtful and insulting to patronize someone?
Since then he has contacted me repeatedly, asking to “get together.” When I oblige and try to set a day, I won't hear back from him for weeks. It's almost as if he has a schedule that tells him it's time to send Erik a text. Then, the cycle repeats. Although he is great in many ways and I could definitely see us as friends, I question his integrity. I would never do to someone what he did to me. I've asked myself if he can really be a good guy who just got scared or is he simply an asshole?
In my experience, people don't change. Maybe someone will drop some weight if the doctor says it's healthy, or someone will go to therapy when depressed, but for the most part, we are who we are.
Erik Fact: Man up! If you're not interested, just say so. Not everyone is going to make you all “bijiggity.”
