“The New York Assembly did what we thought we’d never see,” says Tampa resident John Thomas, referring to the historic vote last summer to legalize same-sex marriage in one of the country's largest states.
Their trip to the Buffalo, N.Y., to beat the heat and visit family was already planned.
So when they legally married in August 2011, Thomas and his partner Jan Lund became one of the first Florida couples to tie the knot in that state.
“The timing of it was tremendous,” says Thomas. “It was the day before Pride. You’d think he’d be smarter after 28 years together and said ‘no,’ but I caught him off-guard.”
Like many before them, and most famously recently the characters of Jim and Pam from The Office, the long-time couple decided to tie the knot at Niagara Falls.
“We wanted to create enough of a ceremony for it to be special but also keeping it simple,” says Thomas, referring to flowers, tuxedos, vows and dinner.
“We would have been happy with a domestic partnership,” Thomas says, “but the term “marriage' is important in many profound ways, and one of them is in getting real equality.”
Both families of the grooms had always been accepting throughout their relationship, but their marriage and ceremony brought them even closer together.
Independent of each other, the mothers of both men asked their new son-in-law to refer to them as just that””Mom.”
“And another relative that I thought very homophobic embraced us and gave us a well-wishing that turned into a very profound moment for us,” Thomas says.
A perfect setting
On the brink of the Falls, John and Jan found a break in the grass and created their own ceremony.
“We found somebody to officiate for us,” Thomas says. “We wanted to be right up against the Falls and the roar of the mighty Niagara River rapids at Terrapin Point on Goat Island.”
Even his 13-year-old niece and 16-year-old nephew attended, which shocked Thomas.
“It was a little awkward because I don’t get to see them as much as I should, and thought they would find some excuse with their friends.”
Instead, they got to experience a piece of civil rights history.
“Hopefully, it was a watershed moment that New York sets a higher standard for civil rights,” Thomas says. “But it’s strange that we can travel in New York or through Spain and anything that might happen, people or at least the law respects our relationship. But not back home. It should be respected.”
The newlyweds got their marriage license in Williamsville, N.Y., and that the town clerk said they were the first gay male couple to receive a license there, but that they were preceded by several lesbian couples.
“There were some young children there”seven or eight years old”and they looked over when they heard us saying ‘marriage license,'” Thomas says. “I think it’s important for even little kids growing up to know its okay and that same-sex marriage is out there.”
More than a ceremony
In terms of marriage equality, there are many practical matters.
“Once when Jan got a really severe nose bleed I dropped him off at the emergency room door and I parked the car,” Thomas says. “By the time I got back, he was already inside. The attendant asked who I was and I answered honestly and said ‘partner.’ My life flashed in front of me when I thought they weren’t going to let me in.”
But the attendant had a heart and buzzed him through.
Still, Thomas is tired of his civil rights being at the mercy of individuals. Even though his marriage isn’t recognized in Florida””yet,” he ads”it's had the effect of rejuvenating the men's relationship.
“Most people get married for the first time when they are in their 20s,” Thomas says.
And that’s when John met Jan while attending the University at Buffalo and Jan was living in nearby scenic Lewiston”just minutes from the Falls.
Besides cementing their relationship, the marriage brought their families closer together.
“There were some awkward moments when, as a gay man, I was aware we were breaking some new ground here,” Thomas says. “But it’s important that we have to lead the dance, take a leap and throw your wings on the way down. We need to take a proactive and leadership role in helping families realize what it means to be gay.”
Thomas is involved in video production and marketing while Jan is retired from the post office. Both men spend a lot of time together now because of their schedules, which has also helped increase the strength of their relationship.
Thomas also sees his marriage as an important component from an intellectual perspective.
“I’ve never worn a ring, and now I do,” he says. “I’m not sure if it changes the way I feel but I am very proud of our relationship and all the things we’ve gone through over the years.”
Both men are hopeful that same-sex couples across the country will be recognized officially soon”if not by their states, than by the federal government. Thomas points to the progress he has seen in the past three decades, and says he's hopeful for the future.
“The Defense of Marriage Act will go away eventually,” he says. “When I was in college, if you wanted to find a book about anything gay you needed to use the index card system and look under ‘h’ for homosexual.
“We may lose some battles but I believe in the long-term direction we are headed.”
