The Gay Dictionary defines “drama” as an imaginary condition made up by sad, lonely individuals with no real problems in their life who feel the need to drag stable people down to their levels in hopes of making themselves better; someone who has a penchant for the theatrics.
I recently made a trip to my hometown Chicago, to visit with family. I met up with my best friend D and his new collective of friends. Most of them were newly out, barely legal, and wet behind the ears. By the end of the evening, I found myself annoyed and exhausted by their self-imposed clamor.
I returned home thankful that I had weeded out my drama-laced, needy friends years ago and surrounded myself with a mature, grounded group of friends. Or so I thought? I began to realize that I was still surrounded by drama; it was just in the form of many different archetypes.
Drama comes in many forms. It can be a newly gay boy in his early twenties, a middle-aged manic depressive or even a thirty-something lesbian amidst an unhealthy relationship. After much analysis, I was able to recognize the characteristics in a number of my friends, frienemies, acquaintances and even in my own relationship.
The Gossip/Instigator:
While in Chicago, I met one of my best friend D’s new friends, Balthazar. No sooner had I met him he began spewing rants and catty comments about everyone in the bar, including our faction. Granted, I get that gay men can be bitchy but he had clearly not mastered that concept yet and was simply being a bastard. I watched as he verbally assaulted people, waiting (and hoping) for someone to deck him. When I tried to give him some “elderly” advice and tell him the difference between being funny and offensive, I became a target.
In addition to his toxic tongue, he prattled off these sordid stories about everyone to me. Considering I had just met most of them, I felt it was in poor taste and more than likely far from the truth. When he began kvetching about a situation that had nothing to do with him and insulting a mutual friend of D and I’s, I had to interject and put him in his place. Of course, he couldn’t handle his own medicine and ended up leaving the bar…Oi!
In another scenario, two of my best friends, a lesbian couple have been going through a rough patch. A lack of communication and a wandering eye have caused them to consider separating. Susan, the one straying, has a good friend Pedro, whom she “thinks” she confides in. Instead, he has been going to Sharon and revealing what Susan has told him… Of course, with his own spin on things. Because the two weren’t speaking to each other, this was making them clash even more when they did, based on his reports to each of them. After witnessing this for myself, I advised Sharon to simply listen with a grain of salt and NOT to trust his “sympathetic ear.”
The Sybil:
My partner John has a good friend, Mark. He’s yet another one of those “good friends” that recently popped up again after years of no contact. From the first time I met him I knew he was Mr. Bi-Polar afflicted with some scary mood swings.
Mark is like a yo-yo. In the time it takes for him to walk across a room to greet you, he’ll have decided to fake his death, propose to a guy he likes, divorce him, think everybody loves him, think everyone hates him, reminisce about his wonderful childhood, and resent his parents. You know, normal things.
Our first conversation consisted of him harshly judging anyone who cheats or happens to fall out of love with their partner and wants to be with someone else, knowing that’s technically how I met my partner. When I attempted to defend (which I shouldn’t even have to do) and explain the lack of depth to his argument, he shredded me then walked off in a huff.
Months later, my partner asked him to be on our bowling team with us. I figured I’d give him another shot. Maybe he was on meds by now…No such luck. There were weeks when he would call the day of to say that he couldn’t make it because of anxiety or inebriation. Then, there were weeks when he was there, but for whatever reason, he’d be irritable, asinine or simply ignore me. Other times, he’d be affectionate and joke around with me.
After that debacle, I made a point not to hang around him for the sake of my own sanity. I was able to manage that for about a year. Then, the other night, John asked me to go to dinner with a bunch of his softball buddies, including Mark. I obliged, thinking that since there was a group, there would be a buffer. Things were going fine until Mark came over to ask for a bite of John’s dinner.
“Wow. Aren’t you full from that platter of nachos you ordered?” I joked, pointing to the almost cleared plate on the table.
“Shut the fuck up bitch!” he snapped.
I was taken back, thinking that was a tad harsh and unnecessary. I didn’t respond except for a discerning look.
After dinner, we decided to walk across the street to a neighborhood pub. No sooner after we had ordered our beers Mark began complaining about a guy in our group that he had a crush on. The guy, a mutual friend (who falls into another category of Drama Queens), was off playing darts. I concurred with him, validating why the other guy wasn’t good for him. Before I could even finish my sentence, he interrupted me. He accused me of not knowing what I was talking about. When I tried to elaborate, he cut me off again.
“You better shut the fuck up before I get pissed.”
“Excuse me?” I asked, stunned.
“Just shut up and drink your beer,” he ordered.
“Don’t tell me to shut up,” I replied, offended.
He began to laugh and pretend like nothing just transpired, like he usually does after he affronts someone. He leaned to hug me but I pulled away.
“Don’t try and hug me after you insult me.”
Third strike, you’re out! There was clearly no point in attempting to salvage any sort of healthy friendship there, so I walked away.
Mr. Popular:
Speaking of John, he would definitely fall into this category. A social butterfly, he seems to know everyone and they’re all “good friends” and/or former conquests. Sometimes when we’re out, I feel like I’m at the front of a long receiving line, lost in a haze of smiles, handshakes, and instantly forgotten names.
While it’s impressive that he has an invite system that could rival Paris Hilton’s Blackberry, the way he overcomplicates any scenario can be exhausting. Yes, I know he loves his friends, but do we have to see them each and every time we go out? Ever heard the phrase, “Let’s keep it simple?”
This can be a tricky transition when you’re part of a couple. It seems John likes to plan things around his own agenda. I feel like he thinks he’s still single. Most times, I find out about get-togethers and trips through friends or worse, via conversations on Facebook. By that time, it’s too late for me to disagree or voice an opinion. If I do, I end up being seen as a shrew or possessive because sometimes I want it to be just the two of us or I feel there are better/more logical things we need and want to do with our money.
“I thought I was dating an outgoing person,” he griped one day.
The thing is, I am outgoing but my intention isn’t to be known for being obnoxious or pretentious. I am well-liked and accepted as I am without having to be the loud, grabby center of attention.
Erik Fact: “Your shame is never ending. Just one psychological drama after another. We are guilty. And how we ever entered into this life. The Lord only knows the infinite complexities of love.” – Andy Bell
