Dear Truth,
I have been sharing a rented two bedroom house with a guy named Shawn for a year, but I’m moving out when our lease ends next month. When I moved in, I thought it would be great, since we’re both gay, outgoing, and athletic. Boy was I wrong! It turns out Shawn is a horrible roommate. He lies all the time and is generally not a very nice person. He doesn’t do anything to keep the house clean, argues about everything (even when he’s wrong), and I have to fight to get his share of the rent every month. Shawn already has a new roommate lined up. I don’t know the guy, but I feel like I should warn him about Shawn’s two faces. What do you think?
—Out The Door
Dearest Defenestration,
Your description of Shawn is pretty ugly. I think you’re sweet to want to protect the person who comes after you. Or are you? I’m wondering if part of what you’re hoping to gain from such tattling is a measure of revenge for his wholesale unpleasantness. You could totally be forgiven if you felt that way. But here it’s best to keep the whole matter clean, and err on the side of discretion. You aren’t obligated to inform his new roommate about Shawn’s rather dramatic short-comings. No one told you about them, after all. And while I’m not advocating every-man-for-himself, as a “not very nice person,” Shawn finding out about your pow-wow with the new roommate may turn even more nasty stuff your way. I see it as a No-Win for you, possibly with significant opportunities for downturn. Here comes the Truth, baby: you can leave this situation with your conscience firmly intact, and just be thankful you’ve unhinged yourself from a bad situation.
Dear Truth,
I’m having a problem with my friends. They say I drink too much, but I disagree. I just like to go out and have fun. I’ve never had a DUI or anything, but my friends give me a hard time because they say they have to babysit me whenever we go out. It’s true that sometimes I get a little wild, especially when my friends and I get campy or when I’m out of town. Last weekend I tripped on some stairs at the club and ended up in the ER. It was no big deal (and I wasn’t drunk), but now they won’t let it go. I think they’re being overdramatic and hypocritical because they get drunk too. How do I tell them to back off?
—Wanna Have Fun
Cyndi Lauper,
You’re not having a problem with your friends. You’re having a problem with your drinking, and your friends have noticed. There are a couple of telling moments in your letter. You don’t say “a friend” or “some of my friends” have an issue. This indicates that all, or most all, your friends feel similarly about your drinking. And yet you’ve come to me to help them get off your back?
You’re in denial, my friend. The fact that an adult needs to be babysat in any context—and apparently consistently—is an ugly reality that needs to be confronted. Your friends are doing you a great service by coming to you to address this instead of just distancing themselves from the sloppy mess you seem to have become.
When was the last time you had to babysit them when they had had too much to drink? The point at which your friends are telling you that you drink too much is the point at which it’s time (beyond time) to look at yourself.
If drinking is genuinely no big deal in your life, stop for six months. This will allow you to clear your head, and prove your friends wrong and yourself right. Understand your limits. If you can’t stop, it’s time to think of a 12-step program and the intervention of a trained professional.
Here comes the Truth, baby: The best news of all is that you seem to have friends who are willing to help and care enough about you to be honest and direct with you. Be thankful, and take them seriously.
