I’ve spent so much time taking care of others in my 47 years of life. It started as a child, first discovering who I was during the AIDS crisis, and continued to take shape through adolescence and religious experiences.
Growing up, it was ingrained in me that others were more important. That their wellbeing was a top priority. After my parents separated, my dad found a church and had a life-changing experience. Church and personal experiences taught me that self-sacrifice was important. We must sacrifice our own emotions as our life calling.
Being a young child growing up with this mindset — while realizing my same-sex attraction in the height of the AIDS epidemic — wasn’t easy, to say the least. Being told that I would end up with this “gay disease” and that “God” would punish me was enough to question my self-worth and leave a mark on my developing mind.
I was physically hit, manhandled and roughed up for being a “sissy” and “not man enough” in my youth. I told myself that leaders in my life were just doing what they knew to do.
In reality, those who were supposed to protect and guide me spiritually were not only misguiding me — they were abusing and manipulating me. The message I was receiving deep inside was that I was not okay. I was not this beautiful creation “God” said I was.
Eventually I was led into conversion therapy; another experience in my life that just led me to believe I was not worthy. I wasn’t loved and accepted the way I was.
The only thing I knew to do was find people who needed help, so I could guide and provide the kindness to others that I didn’t receive. I never really knew how to feel and value my own self-worth, so I was trying to help others feel it.
When I finally came out in 1999, I knew that nothing would change me from being gay. Lord knows I tried to do everything the people in my life said to do — pray, fast, journal, practice abstinence — but it just didn’t “work.” I always say that conversion therapy made me gayer, made me a drag queen and led me to my therapist.
Coming out helped me start to accept the part of me that others struggled to, but the whole time I still could only focus on others. I quickly learned that by focusing solely on the needs of others, I wasn’t getting the full healing that I needed.
After many years of raising money for charities, feeding the homeless, starting food pantries and soup kitchens, planting LGBTQ+ churches, and leading worship and singing all over the country, I knew there was something more that I personally needed.
It was more than the church could offer. I recognized many times where I gave what I could and had nothing left because my self-worth lied only in what I could do to help others have a better life. The whole time, my life was drying up from the inside-out.
After several years of fundraising for charities and others, in 2017 we moved forward with establishing the Rose Dynasty Foundation, our own nonprofit. In the beginning, while creating our pageant, story times, fundraisers, brunches and more, I continued to travel and speak in churches, giving motivational messages and talks.
I was still hurting and was still basing my self-worth only on what I could do for others. I sometimes found as I gave more of myself to others, there were times when the people in my life wouldn’t or couldn’t reciprocate, and this led to a further let down.
As the Foundation evolved, we emphasized the message that everyone is “Loved, Accepted and Wanted” even though deep down, most days I didn’t feel it. I knew it was a message that people needed to hear because there were days that I barely felt it.
Starting therapy was where it all changed for me. Instead of pouring all of my time and energy into others, I finally took the time to give myself the same attention and care. When I started to look inside myself, I found that I have self-worth on my own: I am loved, I am accepted and I am wanted.
In therapy, I have learned the tools to say no, practice self-care and set boundaries that I never really knew how to have. Saying no when you need to can be so freeing.
It’s letting people know that you are human and need time for yourself, your family, your spouse. It’s recognizing that you can’t be the only person to try to save the world.
It is also a daily journey. I admit that it is not going to be all roses, rainbows and sunshine. As Dolly Parton always said, “The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”
I had always wanted to create a safe space for LGBTQ+ people. In 2024, we opened the Rose Dynasty Center in Lakeland, which is the first LGBTQ+ center in our county. Thousands of people have come through the doors feeling safe and feeling loved, accepted and wanted.
It’s okay to feel happy and fulfilled when you help others; when you see others coming out of their shells and becoming their true selves. It’s okay to know you have provided a safe space for so many. It is also okay to have boundaries, self care and growth for yourself.
Take a moment — whether it’s an hour, day or month — to grow yourself, heal yourself, find peace and self-worth and remind yourself you are loved, accepted and wanted. I am taking the time to do this every day and I hope you do, too!
Momma Ashley Rose has been a family-friendly drag performer for over two decades. She is the founder and president of Rose Dynasty Foundation Inc., which opened the first LGBTQ+ center in Polk County.
Sign up for the Watermark Out News eNewsletter and follow us for more:
BlueSky | Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | TikTok | Threads | YouTube
