After a 33-year struggle, Florida finally reversed a ban on LGBT people adopting children. This new right—always enjoyed by heterosexuals—means that Florida is no longer the only U.S. state with an across-the-board ban on gays adopting. Though the District of Columbia and ten other states allow joint adoption by LGBT couples (some states still deny single gays from adopting), most states do not consider sexual orientation a factor. Many other courts are hearing other challenges to old, homophobic laws, meaning that a wholesale shift is slowly but surely coming to our nation.
However, that doesn’t mean that our society’s attitude has also changed to accept LGBT parents: Having gay parents still comes with its own challenges, says Dr. Gregory Lucas, a psychologist who provides counseling and evaluation services in the Orlando area.
We sat down with Dr. Lucas to talk about his take on raising children in an LGBT household, including helping your kids gain the tools to cope with possible conflicts with peers, teachers and others outside your household.
When LGBT couples are considering adoption, how much weight should they give to possible social pressure on them and their future child?
That’s a good question. It’s important, whether bringing a child into the world or adopting one—whether you’re gay or straight—to consider a lot of things: financial pressure, family pressure, social pressure, etcetera. Perhaps, a gay couple feels the need to outperform because of the possible conflicts they already know they’re going to face. I just read an article with a conservative person concerned that gay parents would increase the chances of the child being gay or lesbian.
We all know that is patently false. There is no research at all that ever says that is true. But I think that writing points to the fact that there are organizations out there who want to find a case where that’s happened, to be able to say, “I told you so.” You and I know that having a gay child wouldn’t ever be a bad thing, but some people feel it is. This bias means that there is pressure on gay or lesbian parents that isn’t being put on heterosexual parents. That means they may guard against social trouble, aggressive behavior, academic trouble.
You have to at least consider that. In my opinion, giving serious thought before you enact major life changes is never a bad process.
A lot of people think that love is going to be enough.
I think that every couple who love each other wants to have a child to share that love with. Unfortunately, that’s not enough in raising a healthy or well-adjusted child. But that truth is the same for a heterosexual couple. I think the parents’ sexual orientation just adds an extra layer.
When is a good time to talk with children about handling possible homophobia? Before conflict happens?
Absolutely before it happens! I’m always a big advocate for talking about anything and everything before it happens. Obviously there are things we cannot predict. I understand there is a fear it will make the child hyper-aware or worry, but preparedness is also important. Of course, it needs to be age-appropriate, but children need to be ready. They need to feel strong enough about themselves so they can cope with potential problems, whether those problems come from friends or teachers or other family members. It’s not to scare them but prepare them. It’s a conversation that should start at a young age, and it’s ongoing. It’s not practical to think that you’re only going to talk with your child about this once.
Are there other tools parents can give children?
It’s important that children feel sure about themselves. That just comes from helping build their self-esteem and giving them unconditional love. Kids need to love and respect themselves, as well as other people. They need to be able to handle criticism and negative feedback to pick and choose what they pay attention to. Parents also need to let children know that they have someone to talk to and share problems with.
That also sounds important given the number of suicides by gay teens in the last few months.
Definitely! There’s no way to completely guarantee against this happening in your own family. But I think you can help by teaching kids self-worth—that it’s okay to be different, whether your left-handed, red-headed, whatever. Parents can also help show kids how to deal with conflict when it arises. In public, this doesn’t always mean the child is able to safely sound off, but the child can find ways to handle the emotional part with self-respect, guarding their own safety. It’s another way to ward off aggression by fighting off internalized homophobia.
The number one thing is to recognize that life gets better. Kids should surround themselves with people who love and care for them, and its great if both family and friends can provide that support and listening ear.
