“Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.” –Wallace Stevens
A few years ago I was faced with the possibility of paying for my meds out-of-pocket, so I asked my pharmacist how much it would cost. I calmly listened and wrote down the numbers he politely gave me. When he finished, I thanked him as if I had been expecting to hear what I heard, then I hung up. I was grateful we had talked over the phone, so he couldn’t see that my hand had been shaking while I wrote down the numbers. The total was over $1000 for a month’s supply. Paying for the meds out-of-pocket was simply not going to happen. I needed help.
This writing isn’t about how I got it. This writing isn’t about how I’ve wished on birthday candles, falling stars, pennies in fountains, and eyelashes that I didn’t have it. This writing isn’t about how I sometimes have to distract myself while I swallow my pills to keep my throat from clinching up, preventing them from going down. This writing isn’t about how I almost died because of it and I’m only here today thanks to some amazing doctors, one brave nurse, my amazing (and sorely missed) godfather, my fiercely protective (also sorely missed) mother, and circle of strong friends and family. This writing isn’t about how being a walking cliché has made me so ashamed, at times, I’ve wanted to dig a deep hole and hide. This writing isn’t about how the prospect of having to come out as HIV+ over and over and over again for the rest of my life, makes revealing I’m gay to any stranger a fucking walk in the park.
In fact, in our nearly three years together, Brendan and I haven’t told my in-laws. This writing isn’t about how truly frightened I am of what they might say, what they might fear, how they will look at me once they know.
Instead this writing is about an organization that has helped keep me well: Hope & Help of Central Florida. Twice in the past few years, I have faced losing a job and wondering how I was going to pay hundreds of dollars to continue my health insurance; a daunting feat to carry out on unemployment compensation, if you’re planning on eating and having shelter too. Considering American insurance companies love to turn down folks with pre-existing conditions, continuing my health insurance isn’t a choice. (The recent healthcare overhaul will amend this reprehensible practice, in four years.) Both times I have turned to Hope & Help and they have covered my insurance payments and covered my co-payments for meds. I could not have taken care of myself without their help.
I’m telling you all this because I think hearing how someone is dealing with HIV might make it all seem a little less abstract. On April 24, I’m joining fellow Watermarkers, friends, and family in a walk around Lake Eola for AIDS Walk Orlando 2010. I hope you’ll consider making a donation to the Watermark – Scottie Saves the World team. Visit AIDSWalkOrlando.org, click the “Donate Now” button, select “Donate to a Team,” then select our team from the drop down menu.
Heck, as much as I want to make a good showing for donations (not to mention personally earning at least $100 so I can get a t-shirt), I hope you will donate to any of the teams walking. There’s quite a crew walking this year: The Biatches of Orlando, The Orlando Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, EO Inn, Hard Rock Cafe’s Ambassadors, Pulse, Revolution, HRC, to name but a smattering.
No donation too small, or too big. Really.
Do what you can. The world needs you. I need you.
