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Dear PFLAG Tampa,
My teen and I plan to observe Trans Day of Remembrance. I want to honor the lives we have lost without leaving my kid heavy for days. How do we balance remembrance with resilience. What should we do the next day?
Sincerely,
Mom in Riverview
Mom in Riverview,
You are not alone. At a vigil a few years ago, I stood near the back with an LED candle I kept turning in my fingers. When the names were finally read, a dad beside his teen whispered, “What do we do tomorrow?” I have carried that question ever since.
TDOR is about memory, dignity and love. Resilience, though, is how we keep those things alive the day after.
Begin with a simple conversation. Ask your teen what would help them feel seen. Choice lowers anxiety and builds trust. Some families keep the moment at home. Light a candle, say in your own words why the day matters, read a small number of names, then share one hope for the week ahead.
Others feel steadier in community. If you attend a vigil, make a small plan in advance. Where will you stand? How will you signal if someone needs a break? Where will you meet if you get separated?
Plan the aftercare before the observance. Name it out loud so it actually happens. Maybe that looks like a quiet dinner, a short walk, music in the same room or a favorite show. When feelings run high, offer choices. You can say, “Do you want comfort, problem solving, or space?” Then follow the answer you get.
If you will be around extended family or a faith community, set expectations early. A simple line works. “Tonight we are honoring lives taken by violence. Please use correct names and pronouns. Keep this space respectful.” If someone minimizes the moment, keep your response short and steady. “This matters to us. Please be respectful.” You do not have to win an argument to protect your values.
Be mindful about media. Choose one trusted recap to read together, then log off for the night. Turn off autoplay for graphic content. Help your teen mute accounts that spike anxiety. If they want to post, encourage something brief that centers care and hope, and include one helpful resource. Curating what comes in is not avoidance. It is care.
Support at school can be quiet and effective. A short note to a counselor or trusted staff member lets them know your student may be tender this week. If your teen has a pass for a calm space, remind them it is there. Should misgendering or bullying occur, write down what happened and who saw it, then follow the reporting steps. Calm documentation often goes further than hallway debates.
Offer two or three grounding tools they can use anywhere. A five senses check can interrupt spirals. Box breathing can steady a racing pulse. Cold water on the wrists, a stretch, a short walk, time with a pet and a favorite snack all help bring the body back toward steady. Small resets add up.
Know the red flags. If you hear talk about not wanting to be here, notice sudden isolation, giving away items, or any self-harm, reach out now. Call 988 for immediate support. For peer support by and for trans people, call Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860. If there is imminent danger, call 911 and ask for a crisis intervention trained officer if available.
What you do tomorrow matters. Keep the week gentle and predictable. Send a quick check in from the other room. Invite a short walk after dinner. Save one evening for a favorite show and a screen light hour. Make time for something creative.
Encourage an easy hang with a friend. Close the week by naming one thing that went well and celebrate it with something simple. Consistency beats intensity.
If you want to turn care into action without adding weight, choose one step and say why it matters. Write a thank you note to an adult who shows up for your teen. Email a school or city leader asking for clear inclusive policies and real enforcement. Set a modest monthly gift to a trans led group and tell your teen that you are investing in their future.
When young people see adults move from words to deeds, resilience becomes something they can practice, not just admire.
Community cradles resilience. PFLAG Tampa meets on the first Monday of each month and there is a chair for you. If your teen wants peers who understand them, ask what kind of space feels safe and affirming, then help them get there. Being seen by people who truly understand is its own kind of medicine.
They cannot take away our love. Together we can remember with tenderness and build the kind of tomorrow your teen deserves. If you need help now, call 988. For trans peer support, call 877-565-8860. If you want company on the path, come sit with us at PFLAG Tampa. We will walk it with you.
In solidarity,
PFLAG Tampa
Trevor Rosine is a Tampa native and dedicated human rights advocate who serves as president of PFLAG Tampa and more. Visit PFLAGTampa.org for more information.
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