We can get married in Massachusetts, but we can’t in Florida. At one time we could be wed in California and Maine, but voters decided against marriage equality and took it away. Elton John can have a civil union, not a marriage, with his partner in the United Kingdom, but they could be legally married in Sweden and it would also be recognized by Israel.
Piecing together the dos and don’ts of LGBT “I do’s” is a frustrating challenge. While the world as a whole has taken amazing strides to legalize same-sex marriage since Denmark first offered domestic partnerships to same-sex couples in 1989, we still have a long way to go.
Today, seven countries legally recognize same-sex marriage and 20 others offer domestic partnerships or civil unions that are mostly identical to marriage. Right now, five U.S. states and Washington D.C. allow gays and lesbians to be legally wed and seven others offer civil unions in varying degrees. But on the federal level, the Defense of Marriage Act still denies same-sex couples federal marriage protections.
That is blatant discrimination, according to Evan Wolfson, founder of Freedom to Marry, an organization advocating for federal recognition of same-sex marriage.
“Marriage is much more than a bundle of legal protections and responsibilities,” says Wolfson, who is also the author of Why Marriage Matters. “There’s a whole vocabulary and understanding that society has about who you are in relation to the person you’re building your life with.”
When someone hears the term marriage, it immediately opens doors in all kinds of ways, Wolfson points out. Even if a different term such as civil union or domestic partnership provides the same legal protections, there are still hurdles to overcome.
“The intangibles of marriage are as powerful as the tangibles that come with that marriage license,” Wolfson says. “People just understand marriage and treat it with respect.”
More than 1,000 legal protections and requirements come with legal marriage. For LGBT people who cannot get married legally, they must take extra steps and precautions to protect their spouse and family. Even the most thorough planning, however, can have its challenges.
According to People for the American Way, legislation on the local level can prevent LGBT discrimination, but it’s still an extra step married couples don’t have to take. In 2008, in Coral Gables, a lesbian couple raising four children applied for a family rate membership at the city’s War Memorial Youth Center. The couple was denied the rate because of the policy on the books.
“Family consists of husband, wife, and all dependent children through age 17,” the director of the facility told the couple in a letter. “The staff apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause you, but the Department operates under these guidelines for all membership categories and definitions at this time.”
The women eventually contacted an attorney, who reminded the facility of the Miami-Dade County ordinance prohibiting discrimination based on sexual orientation, and the women finally received their membership cards at the family rate. While the result was positive for the women, it was still an unnecessary step to take considering a married couple would never have encountered the issue to begin with.
Most LGBT people wanting marriage rights think about death bed scenarios involving their partners. Married couples are immediately granted the right to visit a sick spouse or to make decisions relating to care. Unmarried couples—namely GLBT partners—do not have that right.
The term marriage immediately provokes people to view a couple as a team or as a unit, Wolfson told Watermark in a 2008 interview. Without that title, getting denied benefits on all levels is a part of daily life.
“You have couples who have lived together for a quarter century or more who have to worry about what will happen when their health begins failing,” Wolfson said. “Married couples know exactly what will happen to their pensions and retirement programs. Unmarried partners don’t have that kind of control and it’s not fair.”
Same-sex marriage has taken hits in the past two years with 36 states voting to ban same-sex marriage in their constitutions and the referendums in California and Maine that successfully overturned the legalization of gay marriage.
Wolfson remains optimistic and says that to gain marriage equality, LGBTs must share their stories.
“We’ll change people’s hearts and minds and the laws by helping them hear our personal stories,” Wolfson says. “We have to engage people and push them past their discomfort level on the subject. We are the human face to the issue.”
Countries that allow same sex marriage:
Netherlands (2001), Belgium (2003), Spain and Canada (2005), South Africa (2006), Norway and Sweden (2009).
Marriage on the horizon
Nepal has judicially mandated same-sex marriage but it has not yet been legislated. Portugal’s parliament passed legislation legalizing same-sex marriage in January, and it could become law in April 2010.
Iceland has begun making strides to legalize same-sex marriage. In December, the government approved a bill allowing same sex-marriage and sent it to parliament.
Luxembourg has also announced its intention to legalize same-sex marriage, but no bills have been passed as of press time.
Argentina is currently working on a gender-neutral marriage law to send before congress. It is expected to be completed by the end of 2010.
States that allow same-sex marriage
Massachusetts (2003), Connecticut (2008), Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire and Washington, D.C. (2009). The Native American Coquille Tribe of Oregon also recognizes same-sex marriage and, since it is federally recognized as a sovereign nation, partners are not bound by the Oregon Constitution, which bans gay marriage.
Had it, but it was overturned by voters
Maine and California
Civil Unions
By state: New Jersey, California, Hawaii, Maine, Washington State, Nevada and Oregon.
By country: Andorra, Austria, Colombia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Finland, France, Germany, Greenland, Hungary, Iceland, Luxembourg, New Caledonia, New Zealand, Slovenia, Switzerland, Wallis and Futuna, United Kingdom and Uruguay.
Mexico’s views on same-sex marriage
While still not legal on the federal level, same-sex partners can legally wed in Mexico City beginning this month. The Mexican states of Morelos, Puebla and Sonora have proposed legalizing same-sex marriage, and the states of Michoacan, Tabasco and Tamaulipas are expected to do the same later this year.
Recognize gay marriage but don’t offer it:
By State: New York, California, Rhode Island, New Mexico, and Washington, D.C.
By Country: Israel.
