Dear Truth,
One night last week my girlfriend Sarah was texting like crazy while we were watching television. When she left the room, I peeked at her phone and she had been swapping texts with an ex-girlfriend who Sarah claims is “out of the picture.” The messages were really flirtatious and her ex even talked about some intimate things she wanted to do with Sarah. Since then, I have checked Sarah’s phone several times and they are still texting. I am both furious and worried that something is going to happen between them. What should I do?
–Message in a Battle
Dear Katherine Battle—
What should you do? It’s a good question. Here’s what you should have done. When she walked back in to the room after your initial discovery, you should have held up her phone to her and said “Would you care to explain this please?” By not addressing it at that moment, and I have to marvel at how you hid what must have been a very emotional discovery, you missed an opportunity to have a spontaneous conversation with her, during which her true intent may have been revealed. Since then you’ve turned it into a stalking exercise. That’s not healthy for you. As quickly as possible—seriously don’t read the rest of the paper—confess to her what you found and have a frank, adult conversation about it. No matter what the meaning is behind it, what you’ve described does not sound innocent. The longer you wait, the longer it goes on and the worse it gets—and it does definitely sound like something’s going on. Here comes the Truth, baby: You won’t know what that thing is until you ask, and then you can decide what you think of the answer. Only then will a path become clear.
Dear Truth,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend Calvin for nearly four years. We live together and we share everything, including the expenses. My problem is that my boyfriend spends too much money. I have always made a lot more than he does—he’s a performer—so I understand that I should contribute more to our household. But Calvin spends like crazy and every month I have to pay it all off or it will damage my credit. When I’ve talked to Calvin about his habits, we end up fighting and he accuses me of controlling him with my money. I know Calvin loves me and I want us to enjoy a good life, but I’m tired of his excesses. How do I get Calvin to spend less without appearing to manipulate him?
–Fraying Purse Strings
Dear Fray—
First of all, accusations of manipulation—particularly when it doesn’t appear there is any—are manipulative. He’s trying to emotionalize an issue that shouldn’t contain emotion. The arithmetic solution is quite simple. Establish a house fund into which each of you contribute an equal percentage of your income. Calculate the amount you will need to cover all common bills: rent/mortgage, car payments, utilities, groceries, etc. Then lose the joint credit card accounts and establish separate checking accounts for whatever remains of your income. (And don’t allow debit cards for the joint account. This can be accomplished with a simple conversation with your banker as you open the account.) Tell Calvin that you don’t want to manipulate him with money, but his spending habits are a source of discomfort for you.
The best thing is for him to use his own discretionary income on his own discretionary purchases. It might be a good idea for you both (or maybe just you) to contribute to another common account that includes fun money, used for vacations or new furniture. But make that a money market account that can’t be accessed by plastic. It won’t be an easy conversation, but Calvin needs to learn some responsibility and sacrificing your own credit in that interest isn’t good personal finances, or good for your relationship.
