Dear Truth, His suggestion? That I move to Orlando and get an apartment before we move in together. He tells me he needs a certain amount of space to be as productive as he needs to be for his business. That’s true enough, but I can give him space and still be waiting for him in bed. Gary thinks the apartment would make for a good transition.
Is it a good plan, or have I fallen in love with a commitment-phobic control freak? I’d like the benefit of your wisdom and experience.
—Ready to Dive
After about six months of dating, I’ve fallen in love with a great guy. Gary lives in Orlando, I live in Tampa, we talk every night and see each other every weekend. Gary owns his own business, works long hours and often brings the office home with him. My job would allow me to relocate, and I’d like to do that. To my surprise, Gary is ambivalent, even though he says (and sure acts like) he’s just as in love as I am.
Dear Diver Dan,
I’m not sure I’d call him a commitment-phobic control freak based on the information provided. Then again, I don’t think it’s the greatest sign that he wants you to incur the hassle and moving expense associated with his plan, while he sits peacefully perched upon his pedestal in his own space. Frankly, Gary sounds a wee bit selfish to ask you to make all the change and all the sacrifice with no demonstration of meaningful intent on his part.
Relationships—beginning, middle and end—are filled with compromise. Clearly, Gary likes his space to himself. I’m not sure that’s magically going to change overnight. If a more equitable distribution of the burden were available, I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with this plan. But his unwillingness to meet you half-way, or even budge off his mark, is troubling.
I’d hold off and see if more signs of selfishness develop before making such a big move. And if you do decide to make the move, have a serious conversation about a timeline for the two of you to start shacking up like respectable people. Because Gary might just like the dual residence set-up, and from the sounds of your letter, you likely won’t.
Dear Truth, I’m ready to break out; go on a diet, start playing tennis again, make some new friends, maybe even change careers. I wouldn’t mind moving to an altogether new locale. Patrice discourages this, and it’s like trying to run—away?—wearing 20-pound ankle weights.
I know this is typical mid-life crisis stuff. But my eyes—and my heart—are beginning to wander. I look longingly at other women. I wonder if Patrice and I are just aging differently and wouldn’t be happier with more compatible partners. I want to go on a journey; Patrice has already arrived at her destination. Counsel?
—Wanderlust
I’ve been with the same woman for 20 years. We’re both in our early 40s now. I love and respect Patrice, and we’re as comfortable together as two old cats. But to me it seems like we’re both in a rut. We’ve put on about 30 pounds—each. We watch a lot of TV, and spend more and more time with local family and less with friends. I feel bored and old before my time. Patrice thinks we’ve earned our easy life and doesn’t see the problem.
Dear Wander Sykes,
First of all, let me congratulate you on getting to 20 years with your lovely (if also sloth-like) Patrice. Sometimes as people grow from one stage of life to another, differences appear and incompatibilities develop.
Here comes the Truth, baby: your references to your relationship are filled with ennui. “Old cats,” “in a rut” are phrases which clearly indicate that you are dissatisfied with the way your life is currently organized. No matter what happens with Patrice, you have to find a way to make yourself fulfilled.
Pick up that tennis racquet, cut out the barbecue and get yourself back into shape—on your own. I know it would be easier with Patrice’s support, but you are not obligated to slide into old age prematurely simply because that’s her plan.
Hopefully, you’ll get the greatest surprise of all. Patrice will drag her thickening posterior off the couch and join you. No one wants to be left behind, and sometimes people need different sorts of motivation. Yours is coming from within; hers might need to come from you.
